I PRAY...

What does 2012 have to bring? For me, fear. Fear of another year and what it will bring. The last 3 years have been, needless to say, hell. 2009- lose Kaden. 2010- Welcome Jake (best part of 2010), yet in and out of hospitals with not many answers. 2011- well, hence the reason for this blog. 2012??? Who will be taken this time? I pray we can get through one year without losing anyone. I pray we all have strength. I pray we are healthy and happy. I pray for stability and I pray my boys feel safe and secure. I pray for a lot of things, but I know it is all out of my control. I will continue to pray and hope for the best. Its all I can do, yet I fear 2012. I pray it proves me wrong.

Seattle 2011

This trip has been bitter sweet. Isn't that everything in life? His booming voice and energetic life is missing in every corner of this house. Yet at the same time, I feel a sense of comfort being here. I can remember the first time I slept in this house. It was Stevens room, the one Jake is now sleeping in. He slept on the couch, seriously, and I slept in his bed. He forgot to close the window that night so I froze my ass off. His mom yelled at him the next morning for freezing me out. LOL. It was the first time Id met his parents. I was 19. Only 19. Wow. Almost 10 years ago. Who would have thought this is where I would be? Yet my mind and body are somewhat at peace in this home. If that is even possible. I know he is here. There is such a huge part of him here. I am so comfortable here. Its like home. Comfortable. I am blessed to have been left with the family he left me with. They are more then inlaws. They are parents and sisters. I am blessed.

I wish we could stay forever. I dread going home. I dont want to walk into that empty house. I dont want to be reminded that he is not there. I dont want to go back to the big decisions that need to be made, the holidays that have to be dealt with and the reminder that I am an ONLY parent. I hate this.

Shopping the mall today was very hard. Men walking into every store, asking for help because they needed something special for their wife. Walking by all the mens clothes and things I would want to be buying Steven. Having that someone special. Knowing there is a special gift under that tree from your best friend. My heart breaks knowing we dont get to do this this year, or ever. EVER.

I often wonder how long Ill be doing this alone. How long Ill be alone in this. Sometimes I worry it will be forever. If so, then Id better get used to it now.

Praying for safe travels home....I guess. Calm boys would be better.

Bah-Humbug

I feel drained. I feel like the life has been sucked right out of me. I feel like I am just following motions in life because I have to. I change diapers, I feed the kids, I put food to my mouth, I sleep, I do it all over again. I walk through the motions of life because I have to. Because my body and mind make me. Yet I do it all without feeling. You see me smile, you see me laugh, I engage in conversation, mostly because that is what is expected of me. Its what people do. My kids make me laugh, I meet up with friends, yet there are no emotions attached to this. Its like a ship that sails with no direction. It moves and functions like a ship should, yet it has no purpose. If I feel, I know I will just feel the pain of him not being there with me to enjoy this expierence. Even if it is a diaper change. He was the first to change each boy after they were born. He loved it. I hate just walking through the motions of life. I hate separating myself from my feelings and what Im doing. I hate it. I hate this life. If anything good came from this, its that Im not afraid to die. Im ready. Like every christian should be, I am ready. I dont know if Ill ever live again because I want to live again. Most of the time I just want to be with him. If youre not a widow, you wont understand. A statement like this makes people worry and this is what send people into mental hospitals. Yet, if you were a widow, you may just get this feeling. Its a "feeling". Thats all it is. I have widow friends, which is so sad, that have told me I will one day want to live again. That day will come, yet I dont see that anytime soon.
The holidays dont make this any easier. Tree? Stockings? Decorations? Ornaments? Lights? All still up in the attic. I dont want to be reminded of where we put of Christmas tree for the last 3 years. I dont want to pull out all of his ornaments that he collected from childhood until now. I dont want to see the ornament we got the year we were engaged for the beautiful wood carved Santa Clause he picked out on one of our trips to Idyllwild. I cant bare to see it all. I dont want a tree, or lights or stockings. I want my house the way it is. Comfortable. No reminders of what he is missing because I have enough of those hanging in my face everyday. I have two little boys that run circles around me all day that remind me of what he misses, and what they are missing. I am reminded and dont need anymore. So, for this year, I can get away without decorating. Bryce has noticed some. He asked where our lights on our house were. When I asked him about getting a Christmas tree because a part of me felt guilty, he said, "No mom, trees are too big and go outside. Not inside." So that was that. I can get away with it this year. Next year we will be decorating in a new home, and the boys will be older and expect it, so it can wait until then.
I cant imagine ever living again. Or wanting to live again. Ever loving again. The pain of losing another would be too real. I also cant imagine anyone good enough to fit my standards, or that would WANT to fit my standards. Its so easy for everyone to say, "Steven will send you someone. Steven would want you to be happy. Steven wouldn't want you to be alone. There is someone out there. In time, someone will come." So easy to say, yet no one knows. No one knows what Steven would want for me because Steven is not here to say. I miss him horribly. I am in his home he grew up in while visiting his parents in Seattle and I feel him everywhere. I see him everywhere. He filled this home with so much laughter and conversation that things just seem to empty now. I am so broken and so worn. I wish someone would wisk me away from this nightmare. I cant wait for Christmas to be over. Then there is New Years, my birthday, Valentines, our anniversary, boys birthdays, so much to be missed, so much I wish I could just sleep through. I hate being alone. I hate doing this ONLY parent thing alone. I hate this life. I miss my husband.

One left turn

And lonely. So effing lonely. I hate being a single mom. I didnt ask for this. Im sure most people dont ask for this, but I also believe many people put themselves in that situation. I did not. We did not. This was not our plan! I was not ment to be here alone raising these two kids! We had a plan. We wanted this family, yet now Im left with it. Left with it, yes. As if it is a burden, yea sometimes it is. Because we wanted the mother and father, the team effort the FAMILY. Yes, I have my little family of the boys and I, but this is not what I would call a family. We are surviving, on the edge of our seats, because we have to. Days dont seem to have purpose like they used to. I just manage to get by. I want my family back. I want our routine, everything we had worked so hard to have. I want it back. I dont to do this alone. I dont want to go to bed alone at night. I dont want to enjoy my kids alone. Yea I have family around, but it is beyond the same of having my best friend around.

I am so tired being mom and dad. I am so tired doing this on my own. I love (hate) when people say, youre not alone, you have all of us to help you. BULL FUCKING SHIT. Because you only come around when I ask, and you do things your way and how you want. Its not the same. It doesnt help. It makes it worse! No one comes around and just says, "Im going to to this for you because I see your tired and I care." No one. Its a wait for a damn invite party.

I just want my husband. I want the man that I wanted to grow old with. I want someone I can ask to help me and not feel guilty about it because he wanted this too. I want Steven.

6 months ago my husband was taken from us, all because of a left hand turn. One left hand turn changed our lives forever. I am so broken down. I am so alone. I am so hurt. I wish he would walk into this door that I am staring at trying to wake up from this nightmare. But hes not. And this nightmare continues on, every morning I wake up.

I pray every night that I find someone again because I don't want to be alone forever. I loved being a wife. Yet the standards this man would have to endure wouldn't even be worth it. He would have to love me for me, love my kids as his own (there is no step dad in this home) and help keep the memory of Steven alive. Sounds completely ridiclous. Impossible.

So, for now I just move. I go with the motions. I go with the motions yet I am exhausted. Beat. Worn down...and nearly done.

Worst night ever...woke up healed

Dropped the boys off at my moms last night. Expecting to go see a movie and have some drinks with a friend when I literally lost it. Second my car door shut and the kids were gone, broke and I broke hard. The tears feel my enitre drive home. Got home, started cleaning, all the while, talking, drinking some wine, and hysterically crying. Id say I looked like a freak, but at the the same time, I was mad, angry, pissed, hurt, sad, dying inside. Hes not coming home. That reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Its coming up to his 6 month aniversary and I could curl up and die. I just want to die.

Where I am

I cant believe I am sitting where I am sitting, without Steven here with me. I seems like he should be across the street at the Ronald McDonald House, getting a great nights rest just to come relieve me in the morning. But hes not. I knew this day would come again, just not so soon. I am here, at Rady Childrens hospital once again with Jake, yet without Steven. I could curl up and die the pain hurts so much. Everyone offered to come and be a helping hand, but I dont want anyone here because the only one I want here is Steven. I feel like having anyone here other then Steven will just make me more upset. So its me. Im taking it all on. All the IV pokes, the screams in pain, the irritability, the Dr questions and Dr comments. There is not another set of ears here to hear the information, just me. There is no one else to spout out questions like he always would and questions Drs never had the answers for because they hadnt thought of that yet. This was our son, OUR son, yet now he is my son, just MINE. Makes me sick. Makes me sad for Jake. I miss Steven now more then ever. Gawd I just want my husband back here. No one else can fill his place.
I wish I were home now. Home with my two boys. Cuddled up in bed. I miss Bryce. I want to go home. Yet Jake has more complications then expected, so for now, we are here. Jake and Me. Here. Please Steven be here in spirit. Remind me you are here because I need you so bad.

New experiences without him

So, last night was a night a knew would happen someday, but didnt expect it to happen so soon. Broken bone, hospital visit, IVs, medical stuff, all without the strong man there holding us up for support. How I wish down to the deepest depths of my soul he could have been there. He would have been so nurturing, loving, compassionate and funny in a moment that was so scary. Luckily I has my mom in law Sandy and my dad who were there for support, but it was not the same. Its almost like I would have rather been there alone then have them there, but at the same time I knew it was good for Bryce, and much as I could deny it, myself, to have them there.
Bryce was on the play equiptment at the park. We were at the park for Brents 7th birthday. Tons of family and friends. When Bryce went over to the play equiptment with Stevens Uncle Roy, he fell from a ladder and landed on his left elbow. He broke the lower portion of his humorous bone. We were then transfered in ambulance from one hospital to another. The hospital we went to was the one I had Jake at and had seveal visits. Loma Linda University Medical Center. They are all fantastic there. Hard to be there without Steven. I just cant believe it. I cannot believe it. I cant believe he missed this. I cant believe Bryce doesnt have his tall, brave and strong Daddy to carry him around the house, make him laugh and love on him. I am doing my best, but I cant do it all.
I just want to curl up and die. Sometimes I think someone else could care for them better then me because a lot of times I dont even want to care for myself. I miss him.

Youre here...but youre not

Im sitting here this morning watching your little "mini me" drink the cereal milk from his bowl just like you did. Used to gross me out, now I just stare and watch him drink it. Its amazing how much he looks like you, and hes only 3. I cant imagine what he will look like as a teenager. He will be a heartbreaker for sure if he looks anything like you did. For the past week or so, he has said everyday, "I need my Dad. I love him 40 much!"  Cracked me up because I remember how we used to say, "I love you like, 56 today." The numbers had no meaning. There was no scale. But we would be amazed at each number we spouted out. Bryce just said 40 out of the blue. I did a double take, wondering how he picked that up. Funny kid. I know people say you are with me, within them, but how damned much I wish you were just with us.

Left Behind

We see so many articles and news stories about crashes on freeways, accidents that occur and people that die. We read them and move on with our lives. Thinking about it too much, could possibly hurts too much. The human mind has a hard time wrapping their brain around something so tragic. Yet, in this process of moving on with OUR lives, the lives of these families left behind are put on hold. They cannot move forward. We forgot to think about those left behind. Thinking about it will only make us realize that this could have been us. Tomorrow, this could be us. Hold on to those dear to you and think about those left behind.

What you would want...

I cant help but rack my brain with the ideas of "What would he want" and "What would he do?". Would he wear his wedding ring if I were gone? Yes. I think he would continue to wear it. Would he remarry? Probably not, unless she came into his life and were it. Would he date? Probably not. Would he have a girl on the side? Probably. Would he stay in our home, Yes.

Would he want me to date? I don't know. Would he want me to wear our wedding band? It wouldn't matter. Would he want me to stay in our home? Yes, as long as I could. Would he want me to visit his grave each day? No, because he would say it wasen't "him" there and he wouldn't want that burden on me.

Steven was a man of logic. (Most of the time). When it came to death, I believe he handled it logically. When his dear friend Mary died, he cried and mourned, but he didn't let it drag out. I knew he knew he would see her again. Kadens death was a bit more difficult for him to swallow. He didnt know why such a young and innocent life would be taken away. He didnt ever visit Kadens grave. He knew it was Kaden there. He also never visited his grandparents buried in the San Jacinto Valley Cemetery, where he is now. (Ugh, the thought is horrid). We would drive by it and he would tell me they were buried there, but he never stopped. He knew their bodies lied there, but their heart and soul were gone.

Did Steven pray? Only a few times did I ever see him bow his head at church. He usually took communion. I believe he prayed alone. He mentioned once that he prayed, quietly, alone.

These thoughts pass through my head each day.

I wonder when his death doesnt consume me. When it doesnt take up every ounce of me every day. When will I do things without a second thought to the fact that he is not here or if he were here how it would be different? A part of me wants this to change, another part of me cant let go. I feel guilty for not visiting his grave each and every day. Yet, I know that is not what he would expect of me. I know he would want me to carry on.

I miss him horribly. I dont know how or when this gets better.

Now that you are gone...

- I sleep on your side of the bed. (Closest to the door. Which I hated before because I always felt safer with you between a door and me).

-I use your side of the bathroom sink. Its better to use it then stare at a empty sink across the bathroom that you no longer stand at brushing your teeth, gelling your hair, or checking yourself out in.

-I rarely make a good home cooked meal. Although 6 o clock has become somewhat bearable, I still cant bring myself to cook anything good when I know you're not here to appreciate it.

-I cannot watch Grey's Anatomy like we used to on DVR. I cant watch any medical shows for that matter. Miracles always happen, why couldn't your story have been a miracle story???

-I wear our wedding rings around my neck. Although lately, they seem to be wearing me down but I cant begin to imagine taking them off.

-Your shoes are in the closet right where you lift them, along with your towel hanging the bathroom. I packed up almost everything right after you passed, just so living here would be bearable, but those things have yet to move.

-Our wedding pictures are still hanging over the couch. Will I hang them up when we move? These are the things I battle with in my brain everyday.

-I do the small things around the house I asked you to do. Changing the front porch lightbulb, taking out the trash, getting the ladder to get up into the rafters and get down the Halloween decorations. Things I could have done before, but it was a manlier job and I liked watching you do it. :)

-I haven't made the bed. Im the only one who sees it to care.

-Hana sleeps inside on her dog bed. Feels safer that way.

-Noises freak me the F*&k out!!! They did before, and you never woke up enough to check them, but they seem even louder without you here to "not" check them.

-I miss hearing your air compressor in the garage click on. I miss the smell of your oily dirty work shirts and the smell of you building and welding and sawing metal in the garage at 1am.

-I miss the garage door slamming as you come in and out of the house looking at things on the computer and then going in the garage and fixing them.

-I've had to tell Bryce everyday that you are in Heaven. Kills me

-I look forward to the day I join you again

Breakeven- Takes on a whole new meaning now

Lyrics to Breakeven :

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no

Month 4

With the fourth month creeping up on me, I dont know when the counting ends. Why am I counting the months hes been gone? Am I going to hit some milestone??? People count things and then it ends and something big happens. I feel like Im not counting towards anything. Whats the point? 4 months longer that I havent seen him, held him, hugged him, talked to him, kissed him. 4 months of pain, agonizing pain. 4 months..... I hate counting.

Lonely life

This is seriously the loneliest I've ever felt. I may have my two boys around, but there is nothing like adult companionship. Steven was by far the best adult companion. He loved my dinners, appreciated a clean house, loved on me more then I wanted. :) I miss him down to the depths of my soul. There is no one now to thank me for a good home cooked meal, no ones eyes scanning the living room after I've cleaned all day and no one to bug in the morning and kiss goodnight. I'm empty, lonely and ready to go eat a cantaloupe. Lol.

"Sadversary", milestone, Birthday in Heaven

Whatever you want to call it, today was that day. Today was your birthday. What would we have done? Pretty much exactly what we did do. Camp. We went to Lake Skinner with more friends and family then we probably would have if you had been here. It was fun. Different, which is the story of my life, but fun none the less. Boys loved it, friends and family loved it. There were more laughs then tears.

I miss you. I try not to think about today. I try to treat it as any other day. Celebrated Dads birthday and tried to stay busy and distracted. In the back of my mind though, I truly cannot believe you were not here to celebrate with us. Your infectious smile and laugh and loud booming voice not here anymore makes everything feel so empty.

Happy Birthday Babe. This was the day your amazing mother brought you into this world. For that I am forever grateful. I am a better mother, wife, friend and person because I had you in my life. It may have been for a lot shorter of a time then I dreamed of, but none the less, Im glad I even had you at all. I am honored that I was, and am, and will forever be, your wife. The boys and I started a few traditions today, that we will honor every year. We let some balloons go to heaven that we left messages on. We also lit a candle and placed it at your cross in the backyard tonight and sang Happy Birthday. Just the three of us. It was perfect. Yet not quite. Perfect would have been having you with us. Why arnt you hear?!? I wish I were with you in a place with no pain or hurt or fear.

Please come to me in my dreams.
xoxo

A community I love, yet I wish I was never a part of

I go to bed tonight a little bit lighter. After an amazing 2 hour conversation with Natalie, founder of Wise Widowed Parents, I don't feel so alone tonight. I know that my worries and concerns are those of others as well. Other moms out there, babies in bed, going to bed alone and desperately wishing this were the life they were not leading. Aching for their dead husbands. Ugh, typing that word still turns my stomach. First off, it was the first night in a while where I didn't feel so lonely. Kids were in bed and I was having an adult conversation. Secondly, this woman was amazing. She reached out to 17 other widows and will be getting us all together to grieve/heal together. As much as she stated I was an inspiration to others and her, she is a huge inspiration to me. Retreat for families in November and looking forward to it.

Pain I cant feel

I miss him. I miss him more then my body will let me feel it. I miss him so much that my mind and body cannot possibly feel the immense pain of missing him.

September 25, this Sunday, would have been his 28th birthday. We are camping at Lake Skinner. We probably would have been camping in the desert for his birthday. Riding dirtbikes, BBQs, bon fires, cuddling, drinks and fun. Instead, we are camping at Skinner. I like the way a friend of mine put it, she said, "Enjoy camping in the gift he sent you." He did send us this trailer. He must have. Theres no way, the phone number on this trailer consisted of two numbers, which happened to be our numbers, 2 and 7. So, I knew I wanted to get out and camp. I love to camp. As the date gets closer to leave, Im wishing more and more and more that Steven were going with us. I want him here. I miss him terribly. I dont know how Im supposed to go on living like this.

Sometimes I think that I just need to find someone new. As if it would fill the void of Steven being gone. I know it wont, but I think it would be a great distraction. I think it would be comforting. I know I will never have Steven again. I know this thought will tear me apart for the rest of my life. But I also know I have love to give. I need love. My boys deserve more love then ever. Someday. As for now, I continue to try and try to live. I try to ignore the intense pain pulling at my heart and weighing me down. I miss him.

More sorrow then joy

It seems like God is coming down and quickly plucking people one by one. Steven, Grandma Susie, Myers Great Grandma Mack, Myers Papa, family friend Jeff Pinny and now George Duran. What is going on? This is all in a matter of 3 months! If I went back 2 years, this list would double. Maybe Im more aware of people passing now? Or maybe its just happening more often? I dont know. I dont get it. Im scared. Worried. Whos next? Just when I think we've had to deal with enough death, another call comes in. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic. Everyone dies right? But I thought everyone died at old ages. Not 27, not in their 50s. I just dont get it.

Waiting, wishing...

I feel like Im waiting for something. Maybe waiting for him to come home? I know hes not. My mind can tell me hes not. Although, right when it gets to the "not", it seems to fade in my brain. Maybe my mind wont completely say it because it hasn't completely accepted it? I don't know. I dont seem to know much these days. Before the accident, I had everything planned. Hell, it seemed like I had life planned. I knew what we were having for dinner almost each night, I knew what every weekend conisited of, over the next few months, I knew birthdays, I knew holidays, I knew it all. I planned it all. I knew our dreams. I knew what we wanted. We wanted a house, on property, so he could have a shop to work out of. We wanted land for the boys to play on, the dogs to run on and our toys to be stored on. Steven always said he wanted a wrap around porch. He always said his favorite house was his "Ohio House" and if he could build one just like it, he would. He wanted to stay in Hemet. He had hundreds of connections here along with most of our family. We knew what we wanted. At 27, we had almost achieved it! We were dreamers and we were go getters. (He played a huge part in that). We had the same dreams and we loved talking about it. On the back road to Loma Linda, which we drove numerous times for Jakes doctor appts, the house of our dreams sat there. Tucked into the hills. Every time we drove by we would slow down. Large house, wrap around porch, grass front, shop 50 yards away. It was everything we wanted. All of that died with him the day he died. I know I can still have the same dreams, make them come true for the boys and I. But these dreams are not the same without him. I don't need a shop on the property. Heck, I don't need property. I dont need a huge house either. Between Steven and I, we had so much we wanted to do. I dont feel like doing much of anything anymore.
I have been able to make dinner again, get laundry done and keep the house clean. I have started doing the whole stay-at-home mommy thing again. But I havent felt like wanting to live again.

Im not afraid to die anymore. I was once terrified. I didn't want to leave this life. I loved it. I had everything I needed and I wanted to stay here forever. Now, I wouldnt mind. I wouldnt mind if my time was sooner then later. I wouldnt mind getting to heaven and spending my eterniry with him. I wouldnt mind. I know I need to be here for the boys. So as long as God plans to have me here, Ill stay, but I just dont mind going whenever Im called on. I read somewhere or some widow once told me that one day Ill realize that life here is good again. One day Ill realize that I want to live again. Now is not that time. I want to be with Steven. I want to get away from this pain and tourture. I cant imagine God has much more for me, when I had everything before. I cant imagine finding a man who loves and adored me as much as Steven did. Men my age are not married for a reason. Men my age come with baggage. There is not going to be a prince charming who will sweep me off my feet. He not only has me to sweep me off my feet, but he has two little boys as well. There is no man who will compare to Steven. I cant imagine anyone who will want to come clean up this mess. As much as I pray there will be, chances are slim.

So, here we are. Stuck in this mess. My kids get the brunt of my frustration and I feel horrible about it. We cry together often, at least Bryce and I do. The pain continues without Steven here. I wish I could take away their pain. I would do anything to take it away. No three year old should know about Heaven and where it is and how you get there. No three year old should say, "Daddy needs to drive his Bronco to be safe and not crash." No three year old should have to know that Daddy is in heaven and not coming back. As for Jake, explaining this will all start over again when I have to explain to him where his Daddy is.
How did we deserve this? Were things just going too good? What else can go wrong? I just want to scream at God. I want to tell him to take it all, because he pretty much did.
Praying for strength, happiness, and something in life to look forward to.

Breaking point

I am near jumping off a cliff. I am done. DONE. I hate this life so much. I hate being a single mom. I hate not being able to give my kids Me. The real me. I hate that they dont get me and their dad. I hate that they are both in their bed right now, screaming themselves to sleep, or not to sleep, because I dont have the patience to rock them or deal with them. They are fed, clean, bathed and have what they need, yet they are both in there screaming at me. SCREAMING. Im not about to call for help. The thought makes me sick. The only person I want to walk into this door is Steven. I want Steven to walk in, go into the room, tuck them in, kiss their heads, and have silence. SILENCE. This life is so fucked up and I hate it.

::No need to read this and call 911. Im not going to kill myself. Im just venting::

Frozen in time

Steven had an enormous amount of freinds. People who cared about him, people who loved him. Friends, acquaintances, people who knew his name. He talked. A lot. Anyone who would listen, he would talk. Cars, trucks, off road, motorcycles, fabrication, school, traveling, life. He talked. So many people knew him. He made friends with most people he met. He had sometime in common with everyone. He was just a good guy. His funeral service was the largest our church has ever had. He was amazing. While Im sure he passes through their minds each day, their lives continue on as they always did. They no longer get a rare run-in with him or a phone call out of the blue, but for the most part, their lives are back to their routine. It was those he was truly close with, his family, his best friends, whos lives are completely turned upside down. While you all go on with your lives, mine has come to a stand still. Mine is in complete dissarary. Other then the moments when I glance at my boys and realize they are looking bigger, I don't tend to notice time passing. I feel stuck, unable to move. Frozen in time, waiting for him to come home. What will help? This is what crosses my  mind, moving out of our home, finding a job, changing our entire routine, finding a new man, traveling, moving, moving out of Hemet. I don't know. I don't know what will do it. But I hate it. I hate this life my boys and I have been given. I hate not being able to move forward. Then I remind myself, its only been 3 months. ONLY 3 MONTHS! It feels like an eternity. It feels like it has been forever, yet it feels like he is going to walk into the house at any second. I need my life to keep moving forward, but I don't know if Im ready for even that. I want Steven.

Waking up from a nightmare

So you would think this life would be enough of a nightmare, things cant ever get worse, until you have a nightmare while living in a nightmare. Make sense? Had slept for about 10 minutes last night when I woke up from the worst nightmare I have ever had. Without going too in depth, I died in my dream. Woke up as I was falling to my death. It was horrific. I woke up, laid in bed with my eyes open, staring at the ceiling, praying this life was a nightmare as well. Praying I could just reach over and feel Steven next to me. Anyone next to me would have been good too. Its bad enough to wake up from a nightmare, let alone to wake up from one and be alone, all the while living a nightmare. One after another. How am I surviving?!

In my dream:

Palm Tree

To see a palm tree in your dream, represents tranquility, high aspirations, fame, victory, hopes, and longevity. It also symbolizes paradise and leisure. Perhaps you need to take time for a vacation and relaxation.

Driving 
To dream that you are driving a vehicle signifies your life's journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals.�Similarly, to dream that you are driving at night suggests that you are unsure of where you are headed in life. You are experiencing obstacles toward your goals. Perhaps you do not want to see what is ahead for you or you are afraid to confront certain issues. You may be feeling apprehensive about the future. If your view is blocked or obstructed while you are driving, then it symbolizes your lacking awareness of something in your life. You are overlooking certain aspects in your life. Alternatively, the dream indicates dangers or problems that are not yet made known to you. If you are driving on a curvy road, then it indicates that you are having difficulties in achieving your goals and accepting the changes associated with it.

Fall 

To dream that you fall and are frightened indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may also imply that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself.

Hurricane 
To see a hurricane in your dream indicates sudden, unexpected changes occurring in your life. You may be experiencing some destructive and powerful emotions.

Death

To dream of your own death indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

Amy Grant- Come into my world

Nothing in life is fair

I have 2 crying, screaming babies. I have a three year old who cries for Daddy when he is in timeout, when times get hard and when he gets in trouble. How is this fair? How is it fair that I get left with the kids WE wanted? "He" being a huge portion of that "WE". I have a 1 year old that clings to my legs and I have NO ONE to hand him off to when I get upset or annoyed or overwhelmed. Yes I have family and friends willing to help. But first off, Im not going to ask for it, because if they haven't offered already, they must be too busy. Secondly, these children are NOT their responsibility. They are Stevens and they are mine. Well, Steven is not here, so they are now just mine. JUST MINE!!! It is not fair. It is not okay that I get to be the sole parent. It is NOT okay that he is not here to help me, support me, back me up. Its  NOT ok!!!!!! Im pist. Im so mad at him that he had to ride that fucking motorcycle and that he had to leave this family that HE wanted and loved so badly. Its not right!!!!! Im so pissed!!!!

How???

How is he gone??? I think this is a question I will ask for the rest of my life. How How How???  I dont understand how a man with more energy then me and the boys combined is gone?! I know his energy lives on in us and I know his energy and spirit are here and blah blah blah but how the fuck is he really GONE? UGH!!!! I don't even care if God came down from the heavens and told me how, because I know that wouldn't make anything better. The only thing that would make it better would be to wake up from this nightmare. To wake up, have him lying in bed next to me, wake him up so I could tell him about this awful dream, smack him and tell him he is to NEVER ride that fucking motorcycle again, and have him hug me, chuckle and go back to sleep cuddled next to him. Thats the only thing that would ever make this any better. Its been 3 months and I still feel like he is going to walk in this door, because for the last 3 years he has walked in this door. This is getting worse and worse day by day. I realized today that this is the longest I have ever been single! 3 months. Sad but true. I dated a guy in high school when I was 16 until I was a little over 19, then 2 months later, I was dating Steven. I've never been alone. Some may think that it may be good for me to be alone. I can find out who I am. Bull! I know who I am. I am a wife. I loved being a wife! I knew and know who I am. I am not lost. I am confident. I loved being a wife. Thats all I wanted. I loved it. I hate being single. I dont think Ill even ever consider myself single. I am married. I always will be. And if I re-marry, I will be married. The only thing that gets me through this is my boys. They keep me grounded, level headed and alive. I love my boys. Without them, I am me. With them, I am a wife and mommy. I love them My 3 boys. I miss him.

Over today

I am so over this day!!! I cannot handle it. I've read that it does get harder as time goes on and f*&k has it ever gotten harder!!! I could curl up and die! It was 3 months yesterday. 3 months. It feels like eternity and then again it feels like yesterday. I hate this life. I love my kids, but I hate this life. I hate it so much. I dream about him more. I have totally come out of the fog and I cant stand it. I hate this life.

Thinking I need to go to the batting cages

So, Jake. I love that boy. I had forgotten the month or so when Bryce screamed every single time I was out of his sight. I had forgotten how for that month or so he wanted to sit on my hip 24/7. I had obviously forgotten how frustrating it was not being able to get anything done because I had an extra 25lbs attached to my body screaming. Well, it all came pouring back to my mind today. While trying to clean the house, fold laundry, attempting to be productive, Jake was at my feet screaming and crying the entire time. I had just cleaned the entire kitchen, deep cleaned, when I looked up and Bryce was smearing his juice from his sippy all over the kitchen table and not eating his lunch, which he has begged for. As Im yelling at Bryce, Jake pulls down all of the folded clothes on the floor. Needless to say, I was at my breaking point. I grabbed the clothes and headed to my room with them, knowing quite well that I was not going to get a chance to put them away. As Im setting them on the bed, Jake is screaming because his fingers were stuck in the door. (Here comes my mortifying, completely embarrassed and ashamed, mommy moment). I picked him up, moved him away from the door and proceeded to take the door and slam it against the wall, yelling at the door and Jake, "Why do I have to do this alone??!?!?!?" More like screaming I'm sure. I then headed to the garage, not wanting Jake to watch me flip out any longer, and proceeded to pick up a cardboard tube and beat the living hell out of anything I could find, screaming the entire time at Steven. Not understanding why he was gone, why he left me, why he had to have a fucking motorcycle, why he left us!? I was pist. And it felt amazing. It was the best release of anger and energy I had ever had. I was mad. And it was the first time in a while, since the beginning of this, that I had screamed. I hit and hit and hit anything.
After, I was winded. I was tired. I felt like a weight had been lifted. If only for a few minutes, it was gone for that moment. I then heard Jake inside, screaming, only because I had walked out of the room. After I caught my breath, I went back inside to see Bryce eating his lunch and playing at the table right where I had left him and Jake running into my arms. He didn't hate me after my freak out. He still loved me and needed me. I was feeling better. We cuddled and cried. I said I was sorry. He just hugged me endlessly.
I then packed up the boys to leave and head to my parents for a bbq. As we are loading up the car, I feel some eyes on me. I look across the street to see my neighbors staring and awkwardly waving. They must have heard the whole garage flip out.
Heres to the crazy widowed neighbor!

6pm

6pm was actually bearable today. I think it has a lot to do with the cable box not being on top of the television and having to look at the time every single time I walked into the room. It was the clock I looked to to check when he would be home and how much time I had until I needed to start dinner. Cable was finally shut off, because we stopped paying the bill. Get this, the bill was in Stevens name. When I thought I was not going to be coming home, I stopped paying it and called them to let them know he had passed. They then told me it was a $300 shut-off fee. WHAT?! Really?!? No ifs, ands or buts, that was that. So, I said really? Then don't expect a payment. Its his credit, not mine. I don't think his matters anymore. Which kills me because he worked so hard to bring it up. Ugh! So anyhow, needless to say, we had internet and cable for almost 3 months after he passed and now that its off, I no longer look at that clock. It was not until now that I realized how much it even effected me. I made dinner for the boys and I, we sat down and ate, and it almost didn't turn my stomach at the fact that he was not home for dinner with us.

I am definitely coming out of the "fog". But now I feel as if he is deployed or on a long break where I cannot talk to him, but I will get to see him one day. I think of the things I need to remember to tell him when I do see him again, in this life. Wrapping my brain around the fact that he is not here, is not possible. I started to creep into that dark hole today. Realizing he was not on this earth anymore, and I felt like that thought was going to ruin my soul. I felt that thought was going to slowly kill me from the inside out. It was not something I could accept. I don't know if its something I can ever accept. I miss him so much. Im starting to miss HIM more then I miss the comapnionship. Im getting used to having these nights alone. Im used to having a quiet house and getting a routine of my own at night. But it does feel like he's still in the garage and all of this has been a nightmare. Speaking of nightmares....I had my first about him last week.

Dreamt that he walked in the door and all of this was a hoax, it had all been made up. It had been made up because he wanted to leave this family and go be with another girl. Another that he had a child with. I was devistated. This man that was the love of my life, the father of my children was back, from the dead essentially, and standing right in front of me, and I couldn't even have him. I couldn't even hug him. And he didn't even care. He was proud of himself for pulling it all off. I was mortified. I was dying. I woke up feeling so unbelievably sick and then another slap in the face when I rolled over to hug him, to run my arm across his chest and have him grab it and squeeze it and pull me into his arms and hug me and laugh at my weird dream. He wasn't there.

Its baby time...

Not for me. Our very best friends (practically family) will welcome Nathan Steven Glover into the world today. I just got the call. I should be rolling over to his side of the bed to wake him up and tell him we need to head to the hospital asap. I should have company on the drive there. We should be there excited together. I should get to see him hold him, and yearn for one more of our own. Get baby fever again together. But hes not here. I will go alone. I will attempt to put on this face of a strong woman as I walk into the hospital, because I do so badly want to be in that room when a new life is welcomed into our world. This is all so very bitter sweet, and I pray that it is more sweet then anything. I dont know how I will be. I want to say I will be fine. But I dont know. I want to hold this new little life in my hands, but I want Steven at my side. I so badly want Steven at my side.

Over it

I dont want to do this anymore! I didnt sign up to be a single mom. I dont want to be the mom and dad, the good and mean person, the fun and angry one. I feel like Im freakin bi-polar! This sucks. I know this is not what Steven would want for me either. I dont know what to do. Like a fellow widower said, "I am not single, I am alone." Most true statement Ive heard in the past 2 1/2 months. Why is that all its been? It feels like its been years. Why is this going so slow? When will this get better? Oh yea, it NEVER will get better, it will just get easier to deal with. WTH?! Really? Ugh!! Very exhausted and frustrated today.

Perfectly imperfect

How did I have it all taken away? What did I do to deserve this? What did my boys do to deserve this? In my own mind I answer the question, "Something bigger will come along". But there was NOTHING bigger then the life of Steven. Nothing better. Nothing. He was everything. He was the life of this household. He was the energy. How did we have it all taken away? How was he robbed of a future he wanted so bad. We had dreams and goals. Look at everything we had at 27!!! A home, 2 kids, desert toys, reliable cars, college degrees, life and love. It was what we wanted and we knew we wanted more. We reached these goal because we made such a good team. We worked well together. We inspired one another and we filled the others flaws. Yea we had our fair share of arguments, it wasn't perfect, but it was perfectly imperfect. He was my life, my other half. He knew my flaws and loved me all the same. He loved me more then I ever appreciated. I still cannot believe he is gone. I still cannot believe our dreams will change. How can I not help but want to find someone new asap when I knew and felt what love was. How could I not want that again?! I want someone to cook and clean for. I want someone to plan our weekends with. I want someone to listen to my bitchy comments and vent to without them judging me. I want my mate, my partner, I want my Steven. I want Steven. I want Steven!

Playful Mama

I find myself leaving the house work to be and getting down right fun and crazy with my boys. Before, I would have left that to Steven to do. Are you kidding me? I had laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning to do! I was a wife and that required a ton. Dont get me wrong, I loved being a wife. I loved it. I loved cleaning and keeping the house together (most of the time) and having someone to appreciate it. Steven was so great at showing he appreciated it (most of the time). He would walk in, usually after I mopped the floor because that tends to make the house feel super clean, and I can just hear him walk through with his heavy black work boots, all over my clean floor and say, "Babe, the house looks great." I would say thanks, rant off the list of things I did because I was impressed with myself that I got much done, and he would head back out to the garage. Although at the time I thought he didn't apprecite it enough, I know he did.
Now, mopping the floor just isnt a priority. Getting laundry done, folded and put away doesnt seem to matter much either. I just dont seem to have a "cleaning/around the house to-do list" like I used to. So what do I do when Im home with the boys all day? I have only had a few of these days because I try to avoid being here too much, but this is what we do...lay on the floor in their room, play airplane on my feet, wrestle, build with blocks, made car tracks and play, watch movies all day and eat popcorn, play outside, laugh, cuddle, laugh some more. I still get the basics done. Laundry is not piling up, but it is folded all over my room. My kids get fed, granted its nothing fancy. Today consisted of mac n cheese and hot dogs for lunch and grilled cheese and green beans for dinner. Simple. I always cooked a fancy dinner, and I enjoyed doing it, because Steven enjoyed eating it. Without someone to enjoy new dinners with or cook their favorites for, I just dont. I avoid cooking dinner. Although today I found myself thinking about, hence the "thinking about", taking chicken out of the freezer for dinner this week. Not because I had a moment of thinking that Steven would be home to eat, but because I think my kids may be a little sick of processed food. Im working on it. Slowly. I know it will get better. I mean it has to. God has to show me some grace soon. I can only pray.
So for now, I will continue to enjoy my amazing 2 little men. I will be silly and fun. They have felt enough pain, that I cant let them feel anymore. Truly, being this new mom has made me happier too. I get sad. Sad that he is missing out on them and these fun family times. But I also hope he is watching over us and laughing along with us too. Hope. I must keep my HOPE.

Just another day

Today was just like they used to be, except you weren't here. Its almost like you went riding really early and then right to work. If I really think about it, it feels like these past 2 1/2 months  of this have been a bad "thought" in my head and that you will be home in a few hours. When I realize you wont be home, my heart sinks. To get through the day, I have to avoid even thinking about you. But that doesn't happen because everything I do makes me think about you. Went to the dentist today and after my exam, while Im waiting in the chair for the lady to come give me my total to get everything taken care of because we don't have dental coverage anymore, I lost it. I missed you. I usually had you to text and call about how nervous I was about being there and how my anxiety was through the roof and how I would swing by your work afterwards for a hello and a kiss. But I didn't have anyone. I have people, friend and family, but not that someone who really truly deeply cares. No one. It is the most lonely feeling in the world. I won't talk to people about it because I dont want them knowing how bad it hurts. Im sure they can imagine it, so I dont need to tell them how truely horrible this life is. Ive considering making this blog private. I don't want to hold back how shitty Im feeling when Im feeling it bc I think people will read it and feel bad or hurt or feel bad for me. Yet I also think it is important to let people into this world called widowhood because I wont share my feelings with them. Maybe there is also someone out there reading this who is feeling like I am and I am justifying their feelings. I dont know. I dont know what I want anymore. What I do know is I want my husband back. I want Steven. He cared about me more then anyone in the world. I want someone to care about me again. I dont want it to be anyone tho. I want it to be Steven, and it wont ever be again. Someone just kill me. Ugh!!! Not literally, you know what I mean. If you are a widow, you know what I mean. Im sorry if you are a widow. I hate that word! Hate it. FML

The word...

Im still having a hard time accepting the fact that I am a "widow". Even typing the word gets under my skin. I thought after last weekends retreat, I had somewhat gotten past it. Was going to be able to leave there and announce to the world, "Yes, I am a widow". Ahh, I can hardly type that. Stomach turns! I am almost embarrassed to admit it. In fact, I am down right embarrassed to admit it. Why? Maybe because it makes all of this real. Maybe its because widows are supposed to be old, wrinkled, mean ladies. Thats not me. I am 28, with two boys, a whole life to live, and I, this young, am a widow. My husband...well we know. Thats why I am what I am. I dont want to be this. Although no one does. But I am. I am this.

I am a... Widow.

Now for the next fear...finding someone new....that thought turns my stomach as well. Meaning Im totally not ready, but I KNOW I DONT want to be alone forever anf its a damn straight fact that my most amazing little men deserve a man in their life to call Dad. While knowing their real Dad as well because he cant ever be replaced. But in a perfect world, they could have both. Dad in Heaven and Dad here. Doesnt sound perfect. But where we are in our lives, thats the idea I have as perfect.

This is what I hear...
-Dont rush it
-Give yourself time to grieve
-Steven would want you to be happy

I know all of this. Believe me, when Im ready it will just happen. I don't have the energy to go out and find someone or something. I didn't try much with Steven. LOL. Stalker :)
Honestly...Who would ever be brave enough to marry a widow and take on two kids? And stick around forever because all I want is forever. I thought I had forever?! Steven and I had forever and we got robbed! Wrap your brain around that one!

Then Michelle from the widows retreat, still cant accept "Widows Retreat" (almost laughable) also put some new perspective into my mind. Any man who wants me bad enough to be willing to take all of this on, must also realize what I am risking. I am risking love again, because he is worth it, he is worth going through this again, just to love him for the now and risk losing another love in my life. He had better realize how freakin amazing I am. And he had better not own a street bike. Jerk!  Yea, cant see that ever happening. So am I growing to be the lonely widow forever? Possibly. What a sad existence tho. People were meant to love, meant to have a partner. I am not meant to be alone forever. I know that. But how in the world does this work. I dont want to date again. I want my husband back. I want our little family that I adored so much back. If wishes were changes...life would be amazing. I hope one day I can say, "My life is Amazing" and know I mean it from the depths of my soul. A few months ago, I had that. How I long for it again.
Steven, we miss you.

It must be a blogging sorta day...

I swear! I am shocked at those who still have yet to call, those who spoke with Steven everyday. Those whom he considered his best friends. I don't expect a lot, but thinking about the big picture, most of his "friends" just suck. People say, "Just ask for help, you know we are always here for you. You are not alone". But if you knew me, you knew I wouldn't ask. Since you are not around, I don't feel like you are here for me and yes, I am so alone. Its those that just "do" that I appreciate. Those that just say, "Listen, I know you need this or that so its done." Its those that look me in the eye when they talk to me and its those who don't avoid me when walking in a store. I've seen you turn the other way. I've sat in a room with you while you avoided eye contact with me the entire time. I'm not going to rub some widow potion on you. Its not contagious. Get over yourself! You may not know what to say to me, but saying nothing is worse then saying something. I'm not going to break down in front of you. Im not going to fall to the ground and wait for you to pick me up. Thanks to those who have unexpectedly "stepped up". Steven would be grateful for you. I am beyond grateful for you. For those that haven't, after saying they would, F*ck you!

If wishes were changes there'd be no goodbyes

How do I take away my sons pain? We had a good cry today. Is their such thing as a good cry? That seems like an oxymoron. Good cry. Really? Ugh. He just missed Daddy. He was throwing tantrums, talking back, hitting, and thats when he came and just sat in my lap and cried. I cried too. I told him it was okay to cry. It was okay to miss Daddy. I said I was sorry that Daddy was not coming home. I was sorry that Daddy was gone. I am so sorry. No 3 year old should understand Heaven. Thats when Jake joined us, he is 1, and sat in my lap as well. He then pointed to Bryces nose and then pointed to my nose and Bryce and I just giggled. I am sometimes grateful that Jake is so young and wont remember this or experience the pain we feel. But then again, because of that, he never got to know his Daddy. And that kills me. THere is nothing good to come out of this. I sometimes wonder if 20 years down the road I will look back and see all of the amazing things we have done. But I cant imagine what is in store. All I know is it MUST go up from here. It cant go down, it cant get worse. We deserve more. Our entire family, extended family, friends, deserve more. God had better have something amazing in store for us all, because I have some words for him when I get my chance to join Steven. Until then, I will keep on keeping on. Yes its hard, yes it hurts and yes it sucks more then anything. But what else am I supposed to do? Steven would be pissed if I laid in a ball and cried every day. For some reason, I am still breathing. As long as I am breathing, I am breathing for my boys and for Steven.

Where is Daddy?

This is a question I get everyday from our 3 year old. Where are you? Why cant we see you? Ive always told him, "Daddy went to heaven to be with Jesus." Amazingly hes never asked to call you. Which still to this day shocks me. About 2 months after you passed, its only been 2 1/2 months, Bryce began asking me how you went to Heaven. I started telling him a little of the truth. I said that "Daddy was on his motorcycle and crashed and got big owies. Big enough that the doctors couldnt fix them and then Jesus came down with the angels and took Daddy up to Heaven." He was over this story quick because then he started asking, "Where is my Daddy? My Dad Steven?" He knew this story was too much for his little brain to work on and handle, so he wanted something simple like, "Dads at work." How I wish more then anything in the world that I could just give Bryce that answer. How I wish more then anything in the deepest parts of my soul that this were true. I wish wish wish Daddy were just at work!!! Again, I told him you were in Heaven and then I added that Daddy couldnt come home but he loves you very much. After about 5-10 minutes (which seems like forever) of asking, he moves on to something else and is over the topic. For a while he liked looking at your picture. I know it brought him comfort. Now he doesnt want to. I think the thought of you not coming home is settling in. As settling as it can be. He has begun to get mad. Hitting walls and throwing things. I try to stay calm because I know this all stems back to you not being here. I know hes angry about that and its starting to show. I just want to give him the world. I want to give him everything his little heart desires. I think he's already feeling enough pain, why not give him all of the happiness in the world? Its such a catch 22. Grrr! All I can do is provide him with the most stability I can. He asks for the Bronco, trailer and yellow quad often. He wants to go get them and bring them home. I got a new car last week and he asks for the old one. When I cut the lawn the other day, he cried at the back sliding door for you, knowing what I was doing was Daddy s job. Broke my heart. What hurt me the most was in the car driving home from Carlsbad yesterday. He said he didn't want to go home with Mommy and Jake, he wanted ti go to Heaven because he had big owies and see Dad. he said this over and over after I continued to tell him that it wasn't an option. He was here to stay for a very long time. I cling to these boys now more then ever. Thank you Steven for leaving me a piece of you. I pray they grow to be strong, healthy, amazing and happy individuals. That they strive for and reach every goal and they grow up as handsome and smart as you were in your 27 years here on earth.

What I've learned so far...

-There is no one right way to grieve

-Your body and/or God will only give you as much pain and anguish as you can handle

-The sun will always rise to a new day

-Take your pain as it comes. Cry when you need to. Let it out.

-Everyone is in pain, its how you choose to deal with it that sets your course in life,

-Ask for help (My biggest problem!)

Worst things people say

-He is in a better place. (Im sorry, I think this is the BEST place)

-You will see him again

-Hes watching over you

-Hes with you (Really? I sure dont feel him)

-Everything happens for a reason

-Youre still young and will find love again (Um...really?!)

What used to be...

I used to have it together, most of the time. Paperwork organized, weekends planned, heck I had the next two months planned out. I cant even seem to get the next day planned anymore. I cant seem to get anything together. I have paperwork that has piled up all over the place. Things I need to take care of but cant get the courage or energy to do so. I looked at my bank account today, trying to get that organized and had huge anxiety. Near panic attack. I hate this shit! Today I am just one pist off mama.
I don't know where to begin. Stevens great grandmother passed away. They were closer then most. She thought the world of him and he adored her. My boys adored her. Bryce didn't walk into the house without asking for a tortilla and she would jump at the chance to make him any homemade anything. She was amazing. Its hard to believe shes gone. I haven't cried over her passing. I'm almost jealous. I wish I was her. I wish I was going to spend eternity with Steven. I know I have my boys to raise, but sadly, I don't care. I mean I do because I am their mother, but I would give anything to be with him, in his arms, knowing that we will be together forever. I cant imagine ever loving another man. As each day goes on, I tend to get further and further away from the idea of finding someone new, because all I want is him. I don't think I could ever love another like I loved him. Maybe I will grow into an old, lonely widow and die. I wouldn't mind right about now.
I dreamt of Steven last week. I was lying on the couch and I was lying on him, snuggled up. I looked up at his face and was shocked to see him there. I said, "Why are you here?! You should be in heaven." He just said "Shh, enjoy this before I have to leave." and he pressed my head back down to his chest. I can remember every little thing about him, his body, his touch, his feel, and what I would give to have that again. I don't feel like hes gone, I feel like hes going to come home tonight and I will have all of that again. But then to come to the realization that he is in a jar on my dresser and in a urn in the gun safe is surreal. I could die. Just die.

Him

I want him. I want Steven back. I cant help but think that anyone around the house would make it better. Now, I just know that only he can make it better. No one will compare to him. He was a one of a kind. He was amzing. I miss him so much I could die. I want him home. I want him working in the garage. I want him kissing our kids goodnight. I want him in our bed. I hate sleeping alone. I hate it. I hate that I am attending a widows retreat!!! Why is this my life?! This is ridiculous. Everyone I know has a cute little family at home. Husbands that come home at night. Why in the hell is this the life we were dealt?! I cant help but think about what we would be doing right now if he were here. What plans we would be making. I hate this! I dont want to be at home. But I dont want to be anywhere else. I want to move out and get our boys a new home, but I dont want to leave our home. I have so much crap and decisions to make, yet I dont want to make any without him. I just want life to speed up and get better, if that is ever possible.

Hard day

Today has been one of the hardest days Ive had in a while. And its only 10am. I miss him horribly today. It hurts so bad. I just miss him! MISS MISS MISS. That seems to be the key word today. In 2 months since being gone, he has missed Jakes first steps, Bryces first day of preschool and Bryces first time reading. I cant believe it. I hate not having my other half to call and share these exciting things with. Someone who would be just as proud as me about the new things our boys are doing. Funny stories and silly antics. Its just me. I laugh and smile and then Im sad because he cant be here to share it with. There are so many milestones ahead that he will miss and it hurts so bad to know that. Sometimes I pray that Steven sends us someone that will love the boys and share in my pride of them. I know so many step parents that love their step children as their own. I pray my boys are lucky enough to have that. I wish more then anything it was their own dad. Wish I could just sleep through today. Praying for strength.

I am....

...a widow. But I do not want this word to define me for my entire life! I am blessed to be on these blogs. I know they are a place for widows and widowers to vent out their frustration on life. But how am I expected to be encouraged when some people write about how much harder life is 2 years later? Some even 15 years later? Is this that I have to look forward to? It gives me no hope that I will ever get the chance to have a life, and love again. People are making their deceased spouse cakes years down the road, they are celebrating anniversaries. I know that people do everything differently. This just seems extream. I am obviously different. I will never ever forget the most amazing man I ever married. His life will be forever carried on in his children. I will cry and mourn over his death for the rest of my life. But I know I have faith that I will see him again and he is waiting for me in eternity.

So this is my life?

Im not sure how my life ended up this why. I found a man. I planned my life with him. I knew what I wanted. I knew where our life was going. I found my love, my other half, the man I wanted to be the father of my children. This was the MAN. MAN. I dont think I will ever find another MAN. I have these two beautiful, loving, lively, funny and enjoyable children who dont have a father! They dont have a man in their home. I just cant wrap my brain around it. I cant accept that hes not here. I dont want this!

Gone?

I dont count the days its been, I dont even know how many weeks its been. I havent cried in almost 2 days. Im avoiding it all. I feel like its all going to blow up in my face. He passed June 5th and I dont want to feel this. I dont want to hurt, I dont want to do this. It feels like hes in the garage, working on another car or motorcycle, it feels like hes at work, it feels like hes out. I avoid thinking about him, I avoid it all. I hate this. I cant do this, I dont want to do this. House is too quiet at night. 4th night home alone with the kids. This must be hell.           

How long does this go on?

Bryce asks for you everyday. Randomly, at different times. Sometimes when were in the car, sometimes he just walks into a room and asks, but mostly when hes in trouble and is crying. I then make him finish his timeout or punishment, all the while crying for you and it kills me, and then he gets to come out and we talk and hug and cuddle and then he gets distracted and is over it. Hes been asking for you more often tho, and the answer that you are in heaven is no longer a good enough answer. He re-asks me the question about where you are and I say,"Heaven" again. Then he says, "No mom, MY DAD, MY DAD STEVEN." I then have to say, "Yes baby, your Dad Steven is in heaven." He seems so confused and looks around and ponders. I can see him trying to figure things out and I look at him and I say, "Im sorry, I know this is confusing, I know you miss him, we all miss Daddy." Then we try to talk about the funny things Daddy did. This is just so hard and so not fair. My kids deserve their father!!!! THEY DESERVE THE BEST AND THEIR DADDY WAS THE BEST! Why dont they get that? Why do they have to be the ones without a dad. Then I think I need to be in this rush to get them a new "father figure" but that cannot be just anyone. It has to be someone for the rest of their lives, and then that means it has to be someone for me as well. This blows!!!
Tonight is our 2nd night alone at home, just the 3 of us. Hate it. I wish I could appreciate the quiet time, but its too quiet. Feels like youre in the garage. Will always feel this way, which is why I dont see us being here forever. Its hard. Too hard. I miss you and to avoid missing you, I dont think too deep into the fact that youre gone. I just seem to skim the surface. But Steven, I love you, I miss you, and sometimes I feel if I let myself feel it, I may never get up off the floor and I may just die. I miss you.
-Berna

Where to begin...because there is no end

I started journaling a little, writing things down as I think need be, but I truly can get things out quicker and more understandably when its types. ((Baby crying)).  Who else will be getting up with them at night? Oh yea, no one. Just me. Why? Because you're gone. And the worst part about you being gone is that if you had a choice, you would be here. If you had a choice, you never would have left in the first place. I didn't choose a dead beat, cheating lier of a father or husband. No, I found a truly trustworthy, loving, will walk a million miles for his family type of man. The one I was supposed to raise our children with, build a home, create this loving environment and grow old together, Take this journey of life together. And instead, you are gone. In a place I am trying to deeply understand because while I am lost and confused, we have a three year old son who doesn't understand either. The pain is unimaginable.
I am sick that this has now become my story. I am the widow that people talk about. Our boys are the boys that lost their dad and never really knew him. Its a sick life that no one should ever experience. But we do, for I have found women in my position, searching for an answer that we know will never be answered. "When does this get better?" "When will I feel normal again?" "When will I see him again?" "Do you feel him?"...the questions are endless. Yet all we seem to come up with for one another is "time and grieving is different for everyone." Which is not what we want to hear.
This is our first night home in this house with your mom or Jessica sleeping in the other room. The worst part is hearing noises and I cant blame them on you and feel better about it. Also, Im sitting in bed and you are not working in the garage and then coming to bed. I cant go out there and tell you the time and beg you to come to bed and then have you beg me to sit in the garage with you. I should have some to hang with you, every time. I have a wall up, its blocking out the truth and reality of our future and what it has become. I want you home. I want to hug your chest after you have gotten out of the shower. I want to kick your foot at night. I am sleeping on your side of the bed, closest to the door, shocking I know, only because if I sleep on the other side, Im afraid I will be reaching over to this side for you. Single mom is not what I wanted. Not at all. I know most single moms don't choose that life, but ours is different, WE didn't choose this. Part of me is strong and capable of saying that I will do everything I need to do to raise these children and we will get through this. ANother part of me wants to just say screw it all and beg for prophecy to be fulfilled and see you again, for eternity. My heart aches for that.
I love you
- Berna