The word...

Im still having a hard time accepting the fact that I am a "widow". Even typing the word gets under my skin. I thought after last weekends retreat, I had somewhat gotten past it. Was going to be able to leave there and announce to the world, "Yes, I am a widow". Ahh, I can hardly type that. Stomach turns! I am almost embarrassed to admit it. In fact, I am down right embarrassed to admit it. Why? Maybe because it makes all of this real. Maybe its because widows are supposed to be old, wrinkled, mean ladies. Thats not me. I am 28, with two boys, a whole life to live, and I, this young, am a widow. My husband...well we know. Thats why I am what I am. I dont want to be this. Although no one does. But I am. I am this.

I am a... Widow.

Now for the next fear...finding someone new....that thought turns my stomach as well. Meaning Im totally not ready, but I KNOW I DONT want to be alone forever anf its a damn straight fact that my most amazing little men deserve a man in their life to call Dad. While knowing their real Dad as well because he cant ever be replaced. But in a perfect world, they could have both. Dad in Heaven and Dad here. Doesnt sound perfect. But where we are in our lives, thats the idea I have as perfect.

This is what I hear...
-Dont rush it
-Give yourself time to grieve
-Steven would want you to be happy

I know all of this. Believe me, when Im ready it will just happen. I don't have the energy to go out and find someone or something. I didn't try much with Steven. LOL. Stalker :)
Honestly...Who would ever be brave enough to marry a widow and take on two kids? And stick around forever because all I want is forever. I thought I had forever?! Steven and I had forever and we got robbed! Wrap your brain around that one!

Then Michelle from the widows retreat, still cant accept "Widows Retreat" (almost laughable) also put some new perspective into my mind. Any man who wants me bad enough to be willing to take all of this on, must also realize what I am risking. I am risking love again, because he is worth it, he is worth going through this again, just to love him for the now and risk losing another love in my life. He had better realize how freakin amazing I am. And he had better not own a street bike. Jerk!  Yea, cant see that ever happening. So am I growing to be the lonely widow forever? Possibly. What a sad existence tho. People were meant to love, meant to have a partner. I am not meant to be alone forever. I know that. But how in the world does this work. I dont want to date again. I want my husband back. I want our little family that I adored so much back. If wishes were changes...life would be amazing. I hope one day I can say, "My life is Amazing" and know I mean it from the depths of my soul. A few months ago, I had that. How I long for it again.
Steven, we miss you.