What used to be...

I used to have it together, most of the time. Paperwork organized, weekends planned, heck I had the next two months planned out. I cant even seem to get the next day planned anymore. I cant seem to get anything together. I have paperwork that has piled up all over the place. Things I need to take care of but cant get the courage or energy to do so. I looked at my bank account today, trying to get that organized and had huge anxiety. Near panic attack. I hate this shit! Today I am just one pist off mama.
I don't know where to begin. Stevens great grandmother passed away. They were closer then most. She thought the world of him and he adored her. My boys adored her. Bryce didn't walk into the house without asking for a tortilla and she would jump at the chance to make him any homemade anything. She was amazing. Its hard to believe shes gone. I haven't cried over her passing. I'm almost jealous. I wish I was her. I wish I was going to spend eternity with Steven. I know I have my boys to raise, but sadly, I don't care. I mean I do because I am their mother, but I would give anything to be with him, in his arms, knowing that we will be together forever. I cant imagine ever loving another man. As each day goes on, I tend to get further and further away from the idea of finding someone new, because all I want is him. I don't think I could ever love another like I loved him. Maybe I will grow into an old, lonely widow and die. I wouldn't mind right about now.
I dreamt of Steven last week. I was lying on the couch and I was lying on him, snuggled up. I looked up at his face and was shocked to see him there. I said, "Why are you here?! You should be in heaven." He just said "Shh, enjoy this before I have to leave." and he pressed my head back down to his chest. I can remember every little thing about him, his body, his touch, his feel, and what I would give to have that again. I don't feel like hes gone, I feel like hes going to come home tonight and I will have all of that again. But then to come to the realization that he is in a jar on my dresser and in a urn in the gun safe is surreal. I could die. Just die.