New experiences without him

So, last night was a night a knew would happen someday, but didnt expect it to happen so soon. Broken bone, hospital visit, IVs, medical stuff, all without the strong man there holding us up for support. How I wish down to the deepest depths of my soul he could have been there. He would have been so nurturing, loving, compassionate and funny in a moment that was so scary. Luckily I has my mom in law Sandy and my dad who were there for support, but it was not the same. Its almost like I would have rather been there alone then have them there, but at the same time I knew it was good for Bryce, and much as I could deny it, myself, to have them there.
Bryce was on the play equiptment at the park. We were at the park for Brents 7th birthday. Tons of family and friends. When Bryce went over to the play equiptment with Stevens Uncle Roy, he fell from a ladder and landed on his left elbow. He broke the lower portion of his humorous bone. We were then transfered in ambulance from one hospital to another. The hospital we went to was the one I had Jake at and had seveal visits. Loma Linda University Medical Center. They are all fantastic there. Hard to be there without Steven. I just cant believe it. I cannot believe it. I cant believe he missed this. I cant believe Bryce doesnt have his tall, brave and strong Daddy to carry him around the house, make him laugh and love on him. I am doing my best, but I cant do it all.
I just want to curl up and die. Sometimes I think someone else could care for them better then me because a lot of times I dont even want to care for myself. I miss him.

Youre here...but youre not

Im sitting here this morning watching your little "mini me" drink the cereal milk from his bowl just like you did. Used to gross me out, now I just stare and watch him drink it. Its amazing how much he looks like you, and hes only 3. I cant imagine what he will look like as a teenager. He will be a heartbreaker for sure if he looks anything like you did. For the past week or so, he has said everyday, "I need my Dad. I love him 40 much!"  Cracked me up because I remember how we used to say, "I love you like, 56 today." The numbers had no meaning. There was no scale. But we would be amazed at each number we spouted out. Bryce just said 40 out of the blue. I did a double take, wondering how he picked that up. Funny kid. I know people say you are with me, within them, but how damned much I wish you were just with us.

Left Behind

We see so many articles and news stories about crashes on freeways, accidents that occur and people that die. We read them and move on with our lives. Thinking about it too much, could possibly hurts too much. The human mind has a hard time wrapping their brain around something so tragic. Yet, in this process of moving on with OUR lives, the lives of these families left behind are put on hold. They cannot move forward. We forgot to think about those left behind. Thinking about it will only make us realize that this could have been us. Tomorrow, this could be us. Hold on to those dear to you and think about those left behind.

What you would want...

I cant help but rack my brain with the ideas of "What would he want" and "What would he do?". Would he wear his wedding ring if I were gone? Yes. I think he would continue to wear it. Would he remarry? Probably not, unless she came into his life and were it. Would he date? Probably not. Would he have a girl on the side? Probably. Would he stay in our home, Yes.

Would he want me to date? I don't know. Would he want me to wear our wedding band? It wouldn't matter. Would he want me to stay in our home? Yes, as long as I could. Would he want me to visit his grave each day? No, because he would say it wasen't "him" there and he wouldn't want that burden on me.

Steven was a man of logic. (Most of the time). When it came to death, I believe he handled it logically. When his dear friend Mary died, he cried and mourned, but he didn't let it drag out. I knew he knew he would see her again. Kadens death was a bit more difficult for him to swallow. He didnt know why such a young and innocent life would be taken away. He didnt ever visit Kadens grave. He knew it was Kaden there. He also never visited his grandparents buried in the San Jacinto Valley Cemetery, where he is now. (Ugh, the thought is horrid). We would drive by it and he would tell me they were buried there, but he never stopped. He knew their bodies lied there, but their heart and soul were gone.

Did Steven pray? Only a few times did I ever see him bow his head at church. He usually took communion. I believe he prayed alone. He mentioned once that he prayed, quietly, alone.

These thoughts pass through my head each day.

I wonder when his death doesnt consume me. When it doesnt take up every ounce of me every day. When will I do things without a second thought to the fact that he is not here or if he were here how it would be different? A part of me wants this to change, another part of me cant let go. I feel guilty for not visiting his grave each and every day. Yet, I know that is not what he would expect of me. I know he would want me to carry on.

I miss him horribly. I dont know how or when this gets better.

Now that you are gone...

- I sleep on your side of the bed. (Closest to the door. Which I hated before because I always felt safer with you between a door and me).

-I use your side of the bathroom sink. Its better to use it then stare at a empty sink across the bathroom that you no longer stand at brushing your teeth, gelling your hair, or checking yourself out in.

-I rarely make a good home cooked meal. Although 6 o clock has become somewhat bearable, I still cant bring myself to cook anything good when I know you're not here to appreciate it.

-I cannot watch Grey's Anatomy like we used to on DVR. I cant watch any medical shows for that matter. Miracles always happen, why couldn't your story have been a miracle story???

-I wear our wedding rings around my neck. Although lately, they seem to be wearing me down but I cant begin to imagine taking them off.

-Your shoes are in the closet right where you lift them, along with your towel hanging the bathroom. I packed up almost everything right after you passed, just so living here would be bearable, but those things have yet to move.

-Our wedding pictures are still hanging over the couch. Will I hang them up when we move? These are the things I battle with in my brain everyday.

-I do the small things around the house I asked you to do. Changing the front porch lightbulb, taking out the trash, getting the ladder to get up into the rafters and get down the Halloween decorations. Things I could have done before, but it was a manlier job and I liked watching you do it. :)

-I haven't made the bed. Im the only one who sees it to care.

-Hana sleeps inside on her dog bed. Feels safer that way.

-Noises freak me the F*&k out!!! They did before, and you never woke up enough to check them, but they seem even louder without you here to "not" check them.

-I miss hearing your air compressor in the garage click on. I miss the smell of your oily dirty work shirts and the smell of you building and welding and sawing metal in the garage at 1am.

-I miss the garage door slamming as you come in and out of the house looking at things on the computer and then going in the garage and fixing them.

-I've had to tell Bryce everyday that you are in Heaven. Kills me

-I look forward to the day I join you again

Breakeven- Takes on a whole new meaning now

Lyrics to Breakeven :

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no

Month 4

With the fourth month creeping up on me, I dont know when the counting ends. Why am I counting the months hes been gone? Am I going to hit some milestone??? People count things and then it ends and something big happens. I feel like Im not counting towards anything. Whats the point? 4 months longer that I havent seen him, held him, hugged him, talked to him, kissed him. 4 months of pain, agonizing pain. 4 months..... I hate counting.