Lonely life

This is seriously the loneliest I've ever felt. I may have my two boys around, but there is nothing like adult companionship. Steven was by far the best adult companion. He loved my dinners, appreciated a clean house, loved on me more then I wanted. :) I miss him down to the depths of my soul. There is no one now to thank me for a good home cooked meal, no ones eyes scanning the living room after I've cleaned all day and no one to bug in the morning and kiss goodnight. I'm empty, lonely and ready to go eat a cantaloupe. Lol.

"Sadversary", milestone, Birthday in Heaven

Whatever you want to call it, today was that day. Today was your birthday. What would we have done? Pretty much exactly what we did do. Camp. We went to Lake Skinner with more friends and family then we probably would have if you had been here. It was fun. Different, which is the story of my life, but fun none the less. Boys loved it, friends and family loved it. There were more laughs then tears.

I miss you. I try not to think about today. I try to treat it as any other day. Celebrated Dads birthday and tried to stay busy and distracted. In the back of my mind though, I truly cannot believe you were not here to celebrate with us. Your infectious smile and laugh and loud booming voice not here anymore makes everything feel so empty.

Happy Birthday Babe. This was the day your amazing mother brought you into this world. For that I am forever grateful. I am a better mother, wife, friend and person because I had you in my life. It may have been for a lot shorter of a time then I dreamed of, but none the less, Im glad I even had you at all. I am honored that I was, and am, and will forever be, your wife. The boys and I started a few traditions today, that we will honor every year. We let some balloons go to heaven that we left messages on. We also lit a candle and placed it at your cross in the backyard tonight and sang Happy Birthday. Just the three of us. It was perfect. Yet not quite. Perfect would have been having you with us. Why arnt you hear?!? I wish I were with you in a place with no pain or hurt or fear.

Please come to me in my dreams.
xoxo

A community I love, yet I wish I was never a part of

I go to bed tonight a little bit lighter. After an amazing 2 hour conversation with Natalie, founder of Wise Widowed Parents, I don't feel so alone tonight. I know that my worries and concerns are those of others as well. Other moms out there, babies in bed, going to bed alone and desperately wishing this were the life they were not leading. Aching for their dead husbands. Ugh, typing that word still turns my stomach. First off, it was the first night in a while where I didn't feel so lonely. Kids were in bed and I was having an adult conversation. Secondly, this woman was amazing. She reached out to 17 other widows and will be getting us all together to grieve/heal together. As much as she stated I was an inspiration to others and her, she is a huge inspiration to me. Retreat for families in November and looking forward to it.

Pain I cant feel

I miss him. I miss him more then my body will let me feel it. I miss him so much that my mind and body cannot possibly feel the immense pain of missing him.

September 25, this Sunday, would have been his 28th birthday. We are camping at Lake Skinner. We probably would have been camping in the desert for his birthday. Riding dirtbikes, BBQs, bon fires, cuddling, drinks and fun. Instead, we are camping at Skinner. I like the way a friend of mine put it, she said, "Enjoy camping in the gift he sent you." He did send us this trailer. He must have. Theres no way, the phone number on this trailer consisted of two numbers, which happened to be our numbers, 2 and 7. So, I knew I wanted to get out and camp. I love to camp. As the date gets closer to leave, Im wishing more and more and more that Steven were going with us. I want him here. I miss him terribly. I dont know how Im supposed to go on living like this.

Sometimes I think that I just need to find someone new. As if it would fill the void of Steven being gone. I know it wont, but I think it would be a great distraction. I think it would be comforting. I know I will never have Steven again. I know this thought will tear me apart for the rest of my life. But I also know I have love to give. I need love. My boys deserve more love then ever. Someday. As for now, I continue to try and try to live. I try to ignore the intense pain pulling at my heart and weighing me down. I miss him.

More sorrow then joy

It seems like God is coming down and quickly plucking people one by one. Steven, Grandma Susie, Myers Great Grandma Mack, Myers Papa, family friend Jeff Pinny and now George Duran. What is going on? This is all in a matter of 3 months! If I went back 2 years, this list would double. Maybe Im more aware of people passing now? Or maybe its just happening more often? I dont know. I dont get it. Im scared. Worried. Whos next? Just when I think we've had to deal with enough death, another call comes in. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic. Everyone dies right? But I thought everyone died at old ages. Not 27, not in their 50s. I just dont get it.

Waiting, wishing...

I feel like Im waiting for something. Maybe waiting for him to come home? I know hes not. My mind can tell me hes not. Although, right when it gets to the "not", it seems to fade in my brain. Maybe my mind wont completely say it because it hasn't completely accepted it? I don't know. I dont seem to know much these days. Before the accident, I had everything planned. Hell, it seemed like I had life planned. I knew what we were having for dinner almost each night, I knew what every weekend conisited of, over the next few months, I knew birthdays, I knew holidays, I knew it all. I planned it all. I knew our dreams. I knew what we wanted. We wanted a house, on property, so he could have a shop to work out of. We wanted land for the boys to play on, the dogs to run on and our toys to be stored on. Steven always said he wanted a wrap around porch. He always said his favorite house was his "Ohio House" and if he could build one just like it, he would. He wanted to stay in Hemet. He had hundreds of connections here along with most of our family. We knew what we wanted. At 27, we had almost achieved it! We were dreamers and we were go getters. (He played a huge part in that). We had the same dreams and we loved talking about it. On the back road to Loma Linda, which we drove numerous times for Jakes doctor appts, the house of our dreams sat there. Tucked into the hills. Every time we drove by we would slow down. Large house, wrap around porch, grass front, shop 50 yards away. It was everything we wanted. All of that died with him the day he died. I know I can still have the same dreams, make them come true for the boys and I. But these dreams are not the same without him. I don't need a shop on the property. Heck, I don't need property. I dont need a huge house either. Between Steven and I, we had so much we wanted to do. I dont feel like doing much of anything anymore.
I have been able to make dinner again, get laundry done and keep the house clean. I have started doing the whole stay-at-home mommy thing again. But I havent felt like wanting to live again.

Im not afraid to die anymore. I was once terrified. I didn't want to leave this life. I loved it. I had everything I needed and I wanted to stay here forever. Now, I wouldnt mind. I wouldnt mind if my time was sooner then later. I wouldnt mind getting to heaven and spending my eterniry with him. I wouldnt mind. I know I need to be here for the boys. So as long as God plans to have me here, Ill stay, but I just dont mind going whenever Im called on. I read somewhere or some widow once told me that one day Ill realize that life here is good again. One day Ill realize that I want to live again. Now is not that time. I want to be with Steven. I want to get away from this pain and tourture. I cant imagine God has much more for me, when I had everything before. I cant imagine finding a man who loves and adored me as much as Steven did. Men my age are not married for a reason. Men my age come with baggage. There is not going to be a prince charming who will sweep me off my feet. He not only has me to sweep me off my feet, but he has two little boys as well. There is no man who will compare to Steven. I cant imagine anyone who will want to come clean up this mess. As much as I pray there will be, chances are slim.

So, here we are. Stuck in this mess. My kids get the brunt of my frustration and I feel horrible about it. We cry together often, at least Bryce and I do. The pain continues without Steven here. I wish I could take away their pain. I would do anything to take it away. No three year old should know about Heaven and where it is and how you get there. No three year old should say, "Daddy needs to drive his Bronco to be safe and not crash." No three year old should have to know that Daddy is in heaven and not coming back. As for Jake, explaining this will all start over again when I have to explain to him where his Daddy is.
How did we deserve this? Were things just going too good? What else can go wrong? I just want to scream at God. I want to tell him to take it all, because he pretty much did.
Praying for strength, happiness, and something in life to look forward to.

Breaking point

I am near jumping off a cliff. I am done. DONE. I hate this life so much. I hate being a single mom. I hate not being able to give my kids Me. The real me. I hate that they dont get me and their dad. I hate that they are both in their bed right now, screaming themselves to sleep, or not to sleep, because I dont have the patience to rock them or deal with them. They are fed, clean, bathed and have what they need, yet they are both in there screaming at me. SCREAMING. Im not about to call for help. The thought makes me sick. The only person I want to walk into this door is Steven. I want Steven to walk in, go into the room, tuck them in, kiss their heads, and have silence. SILENCE. This life is so fucked up and I hate it.

::No need to read this and call 911. Im not going to kill myself. Im just venting::

Frozen in time

Steven had an enormous amount of freinds. People who cared about him, people who loved him. Friends, acquaintances, people who knew his name. He talked. A lot. Anyone who would listen, he would talk. Cars, trucks, off road, motorcycles, fabrication, school, traveling, life. He talked. So many people knew him. He made friends with most people he met. He had sometime in common with everyone. He was just a good guy. His funeral service was the largest our church has ever had. He was amazing. While Im sure he passes through their minds each day, their lives continue on as they always did. They no longer get a rare run-in with him or a phone call out of the blue, but for the most part, their lives are back to their routine. It was those he was truly close with, his family, his best friends, whos lives are completely turned upside down. While you all go on with your lives, mine has come to a stand still. Mine is in complete dissarary. Other then the moments when I glance at my boys and realize they are looking bigger, I don't tend to notice time passing. I feel stuck, unable to move. Frozen in time, waiting for him to come home. What will help? This is what crosses my  mind, moving out of our home, finding a job, changing our entire routine, finding a new man, traveling, moving, moving out of Hemet. I don't know. I don't know what will do it. But I hate it. I hate this life my boys and I have been given. I hate not being able to move forward. Then I remind myself, its only been 3 months. ONLY 3 MONTHS! It feels like an eternity. It feels like it has been forever, yet it feels like he is going to walk into the house at any second. I need my life to keep moving forward, but I don't know if Im ready for even that. I want Steven.

Waking up from a nightmare

So you would think this life would be enough of a nightmare, things cant ever get worse, until you have a nightmare while living in a nightmare. Make sense? Had slept for about 10 minutes last night when I woke up from the worst nightmare I have ever had. Without going too in depth, I died in my dream. Woke up as I was falling to my death. It was horrific. I woke up, laid in bed with my eyes open, staring at the ceiling, praying this life was a nightmare as well. Praying I could just reach over and feel Steven next to me. Anyone next to me would have been good too. Its bad enough to wake up from a nightmare, let alone to wake up from one and be alone, all the while living a nightmare. One after another. How am I surviving?!

In my dream:

Palm Tree

To see a palm tree in your dream, represents tranquility, high aspirations, fame, victory, hopes, and longevity. It also symbolizes paradise and leisure. Perhaps you need to take time for a vacation and relaxation.

Driving 
To dream that you are driving a vehicle signifies your life's journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals.�Similarly, to dream that you are driving at night suggests that you are unsure of where you are headed in life. You are experiencing obstacles toward your goals. Perhaps you do not want to see what is ahead for you or you are afraid to confront certain issues. You may be feeling apprehensive about the future. If your view is blocked or obstructed while you are driving, then it symbolizes your lacking awareness of something in your life. You are overlooking certain aspects in your life. Alternatively, the dream indicates dangers or problems that are not yet made known to you. If you are driving on a curvy road, then it indicates that you are having difficulties in achieving your goals and accepting the changes associated with it.

Fall 

To dream that you fall and are frightened indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may also imply that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself.

Hurricane 
To see a hurricane in your dream indicates sudden, unexpected changes occurring in your life. You may be experiencing some destructive and powerful emotions.

Death

To dream of your own death indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

Amy Grant- Come into my world

Nothing in life is fair

I have 2 crying, screaming babies. I have a three year old who cries for Daddy when he is in timeout, when times get hard and when he gets in trouble. How is this fair? How is it fair that I get left with the kids WE wanted? "He" being a huge portion of that "WE". I have a 1 year old that clings to my legs and I have NO ONE to hand him off to when I get upset or annoyed or overwhelmed. Yes I have family and friends willing to help. But first off, Im not going to ask for it, because if they haven't offered already, they must be too busy. Secondly, these children are NOT their responsibility. They are Stevens and they are mine. Well, Steven is not here, so they are now just mine. JUST MINE!!! It is not fair. It is not okay that I get to be the sole parent. It is NOT okay that he is not here to help me, support me, back me up. Its  NOT ok!!!!!! Im pist. Im so mad at him that he had to ride that fucking motorcycle and that he had to leave this family that HE wanted and loved so badly. Its not right!!!!! Im so pissed!!!!

How???

How is he gone??? I think this is a question I will ask for the rest of my life. How How How???  I dont understand how a man with more energy then me and the boys combined is gone?! I know his energy lives on in us and I know his energy and spirit are here and blah blah blah but how the fuck is he really GONE? UGH!!!! I don't even care if God came down from the heavens and told me how, because I know that wouldn't make anything better. The only thing that would make it better would be to wake up from this nightmare. To wake up, have him lying in bed next to me, wake him up so I could tell him about this awful dream, smack him and tell him he is to NEVER ride that fucking motorcycle again, and have him hug me, chuckle and go back to sleep cuddled next to him. Thats the only thing that would ever make this any better. Its been 3 months and I still feel like he is going to walk in this door, because for the last 3 years he has walked in this door. This is getting worse and worse day by day. I realized today that this is the longest I have ever been single! 3 months. Sad but true. I dated a guy in high school when I was 16 until I was a little over 19, then 2 months later, I was dating Steven. I've never been alone. Some may think that it may be good for me to be alone. I can find out who I am. Bull! I know who I am. I am a wife. I loved being a wife! I knew and know who I am. I am not lost. I am confident. I loved being a wife. Thats all I wanted. I loved it. I hate being single. I dont think Ill even ever consider myself single. I am married. I always will be. And if I re-marry, I will be married. The only thing that gets me through this is my boys. They keep me grounded, level headed and alive. I love my boys. Without them, I am me. With them, I am a wife and mommy. I love them My 3 boys. I miss him.

Over today

I am so over this day!!! I cannot handle it. I've read that it does get harder as time goes on and f*&k has it ever gotten harder!!! I could curl up and die! It was 3 months yesterday. 3 months. It feels like eternity and then again it feels like yesterday. I hate this life. I love my kids, but I hate this life. I hate it so much. I dream about him more. I have totally come out of the fog and I cant stand it. I hate this life.

Thinking I need to go to the batting cages

So, Jake. I love that boy. I had forgotten the month or so when Bryce screamed every single time I was out of his sight. I had forgotten how for that month or so he wanted to sit on my hip 24/7. I had obviously forgotten how frustrating it was not being able to get anything done because I had an extra 25lbs attached to my body screaming. Well, it all came pouring back to my mind today. While trying to clean the house, fold laundry, attempting to be productive, Jake was at my feet screaming and crying the entire time. I had just cleaned the entire kitchen, deep cleaned, when I looked up and Bryce was smearing his juice from his sippy all over the kitchen table and not eating his lunch, which he has begged for. As Im yelling at Bryce, Jake pulls down all of the folded clothes on the floor. Needless to say, I was at my breaking point. I grabbed the clothes and headed to my room with them, knowing quite well that I was not going to get a chance to put them away. As Im setting them on the bed, Jake is screaming because his fingers were stuck in the door. (Here comes my mortifying, completely embarrassed and ashamed, mommy moment). I picked him up, moved him away from the door and proceeded to take the door and slam it against the wall, yelling at the door and Jake, "Why do I have to do this alone??!?!?!?" More like screaming I'm sure. I then headed to the garage, not wanting Jake to watch me flip out any longer, and proceeded to pick up a cardboard tube and beat the living hell out of anything I could find, screaming the entire time at Steven. Not understanding why he was gone, why he left me, why he had to have a fucking motorcycle, why he left us!? I was pist. And it felt amazing. It was the best release of anger and energy I had ever had. I was mad. And it was the first time in a while, since the beginning of this, that I had screamed. I hit and hit and hit anything.
After, I was winded. I was tired. I felt like a weight had been lifted. If only for a few minutes, it was gone for that moment. I then heard Jake inside, screaming, only because I had walked out of the room. After I caught my breath, I went back inside to see Bryce eating his lunch and playing at the table right where I had left him and Jake running into my arms. He didn't hate me after my freak out. He still loved me and needed me. I was feeling better. We cuddled and cried. I said I was sorry. He just hugged me endlessly.
I then packed up the boys to leave and head to my parents for a bbq. As we are loading up the car, I feel some eyes on me. I look across the street to see my neighbors staring and awkwardly waving. They must have heard the whole garage flip out.
Heres to the crazy widowed neighbor!