I miss him. I miss him more then my body will let me feel it. I miss him so much that my mind and body cannot possibly feel the immense pain of missing him.
September 25, this Sunday, would have been his 28th birthday. We are camping at Lake Skinner. We probably would have been camping in the desert for his birthday. Riding dirtbikes, BBQs, bon fires, cuddling, drinks and fun. Instead, we are camping at Skinner. I like the way a friend of mine put it, she said, "Enjoy camping in the gift he sent you." He did send us this trailer. He must have. Theres no way, the phone number on this trailer consisted of two numbers, which happened to be our numbers, 2 and 7. So, I knew I wanted to get out and camp. I love to camp. As the date gets closer to leave, Im wishing more and more and more that Steven were going with us. I want him here. I miss him terribly. I dont know how Im supposed to go on living like this.
Sometimes I think that I just need to find someone new. As if it would fill the void of Steven being gone. I know it wont, but I think it would be a great distraction. I think it would be comforting. I know I will never have Steven again. I know this thought will tear me apart for the rest of my life. But I also know I have love to give. I need love. My boys deserve more love then ever. Someday. As for now, I continue to try and try to live. I try to ignore the intense pain pulling at my heart and weighing me down. I miss him.
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