How???

How is he gone??? I think this is a question I will ask for the rest of my life. How How How???  I dont understand how a man with more energy then me and the boys combined is gone?! I know his energy lives on in us and I know his energy and spirit are here and blah blah blah but how the fuck is he really GONE? UGH!!!! I don't even care if God came down from the heavens and told me how, because I know that wouldn't make anything better. The only thing that would make it better would be to wake up from this nightmare. To wake up, have him lying in bed next to me, wake him up so I could tell him about this awful dream, smack him and tell him he is to NEVER ride that fucking motorcycle again, and have him hug me, chuckle and go back to sleep cuddled next to him. Thats the only thing that would ever make this any better. Its been 3 months and I still feel like he is going to walk in this door, because for the last 3 years he has walked in this door. This is getting worse and worse day by day. I realized today that this is the longest I have ever been single! 3 months. Sad but true. I dated a guy in high school when I was 16 until I was a little over 19, then 2 months later, I was dating Steven. I've never been alone. Some may think that it may be good for me to be alone. I can find out who I am. Bull! I know who I am. I am a wife. I loved being a wife! I knew and know who I am. I am not lost. I am confident. I loved being a wife. Thats all I wanted. I loved it. I hate being single. I dont think Ill even ever consider myself single. I am married. I always will be. And if I re-marry, I will be married. The only thing that gets me through this is my boys. They keep me grounded, level headed and alive. I love my boys. Without them, I am me. With them, I am a wife and mommy. I love them My 3 boys. I miss him.