This year, I got much more from the classes then I had in the past. I was open to help and ideas. I wasn't just looking for people to relate to anymore. I was looking for insight. As I could sit here and share each and everything I learned, which I will eventually, I feel the need to do something I have never done. It was something that I was told I should do in each session of camp that I attended. Share my story. Share that night. SHARE. Not for anyone else, but for me. Get this day that I have relived over and over in my head each and every day since Steven has been gone, on paper. So, his a heavy heart, this is what I will do. Just another stage in this grieving process.
THAT DAY
The boys and I had left for Williams, CA on Wednesday night of that week. Bryce's godparents Marcie and Eddie live there. It is a 7 hour trip. Why I went, this is something that is hard to go into. That weekend of Stevens accident, was the first that we didn't have plans in a long time. The timing worked. So the boys and I went. I was NEVER spontaneous, never did things without planning. I am a planner by nature. So for me to just pack up the boys and go it alone was very unlike me. But I was looking forward to a road trip with the boys and a break. On our way out of town, we stopped at Stevens work so we could say goodbye. He kissed the boys, we said bye, too stubborn to kiss goodbye, and left. That night I drove about 5 hours and stopped at a hotel, alone, SO unlike me, and we hit the road the next morning. Thoughout our 4 days with family, I didn't speak to Steven often. He called and talked to the boys a bit and that was the extent of it. We were married. We argued. Normal. I was frustrated, he was frustrated. With Steven we fought hard, but we loved even harder. Looking back, I could slap myself for the meaninglessness our argument held. But, none the less, it was what it was.
On the day I left to come home, I had stopped at an indoor play place in Sacramento for the boys to release some energy before the ride home. I had decided to drive it straight through because I would have my "cousin" Nathan with me. He was 16 at the time and could keep me awake. It was the start of his summer vacation and the summer before his senior year. In need of a little guidance, he was going to come stay a week with us and get in some good "guy time" with Steven. While at the indoor play place, Steven called. He wanted to talk and he wanted to talk NOW. It was loud and noisy in the play place so I slipped outside. I didn't understand why he wanted to talk NOW. We were always good at figuring out issues face to face. But he was adamant. Ok, so we talked. And it was probably the best conversation we had had in a long time. He listened, I listened, and we were ok. At the end of the conversation, we both said, "I love you" and we were really looking forward to all being together again and getting back in track. The boys, Nathan and I hit the road. I had text with Steven a few times throughout the day to update him on where we were and how the drive was going. I have never gone back and looked at those messages. They are on my cell phone that I shut off and never turned back on again. I have it just in case I want to go back there, but for now, Im ok not.
The called Steven right before driving through the Grapevine. I called to let him know where we were. It was raining hard and I had wanted him to know we were about to go through the hills. He told me he was at my parents for Family Dinner which we have done every Sunday night for the past 5 years. I laughed considering Stevens family wasn't there and that he didn't care. My parents gave Steven his choice of dinner and of course he wanted pizza. Steven was surprised how close we were to being home and he told me he was going to head home to finish up some laundry and pick up a little and he would see us there. I said ok and I also was the first to say, "I love you" which I hadn't said in a few days first.
That was the last time I spoke to Steven.
I don't know how long it was once I had been out of the Grapevine, but I can drive by the point on the freeway and tell you right where I was. I got a call from Sandy, Stevens step mom. She told me I needed to pull over. I panicked. In my head, Im thinking ok, something happened to Grandma Susie? (Stevens great grandmother). I think I may have even asked if it was her. She just told me to pull over. I did and got out of the car and that when she told me it was Steven. I curled up at the back of my car, on the side of the freeway and was sick. I didn't know if I wanted to vomit or scream but I couldn't think. My body went into survival mode. From this moment on, I was never and will never be the same person I once was. Sandy had told me Steven had been hit on his motorcycle and I needed to get to Inland Valley Medical Center ASAP. By this point Nathan was at the back of the car with me as well. Poor kid was at a loss for words. As soon as we were back in the car, I was calling anyone I could. I needed answers and I needed them NOW. I wanted to know where Steven was, who was with him, what happened. I was driving and having Nathan call. We were also getting calls. Nathans mom Macie was calling and checking on us, my Aunts were planning on meeting us on the freeway so one could drive my car and the boys and the other could get me to the hospital. I remember stopping, I don't know how my Aunts found me but the next thing I knew I was in here car, on my knees on the floorboard of the passenger seat praying that God would not take Steven from me. I offered God everything I has not to take my children's father and my husband. I would give up anything. I was on the phone constantly with someone at the hospital. My mom, dad, Robert, Sandy, Jessica, Jeremy anyone. Each time no one knew how he was, the doctors were still working on him.
The moment I knew Steven was gone was when people stopped answering their phones. I remember yelling at my aunt, "Why have they stopped answering?! Is he gone?!!!" She didn't know. Of course. When we pulled up to the front of the ER I don't think my aunt even had time to stop the car. From here on I feel like this was all an out of body experience. I jumped out of the car, leaving my sandals in the grass and ran into Roberts arms. It was 11pm. Steven was gone. He held me as I screamed and yelled and fought it with all my might. This was not happening. He was not gone. But he was. And al RObert could say was, "Im sorry."
---Mental break needed---
