1 year ago today...

One year ago today was the last time I saw Steven. One year ago today, I stopped at his work so he could say bye to the boys as we left town to visit family. One year ago today, I was too stubborn to kiss him goodbye, which would have been my last chance. One year ago today, I hit the road, alone, on a road trip with the boys, stopped at a hotel, alone, stayed overnight, alone, never knowing it would be my first of many to come. Never knowing that in 5 days, he would be gone. I cant stop living in the "one year ago today" moments. I cant stop tracing my every move, ever minute of one year ago today. If only I would have turned around and decided against this trip, if only I would have done this, that or anything, he would still be here. Would he? Would he have been taken whether I was here or not? Was it just his time? I will never believe it was his time. He was no where near done living. We had so much living to do. I cannot wrap my head around one year ago today. How one decision can change the course of everyones lives. I wish I could ask him what he thinks of his boys. I wish I could ask him if Im making him proud. I wish I could ask him if he was ok with the decisions Ive made so far. I wish for more then just a genie in a bottle could grant, but if I had one wish, it would be to hear him walk through the door again and to see Bryces face. Tonight at dinner, Bryce stated that when he sleeps he has his daddy to play with and when hes awake, his daddy is gone like now. It broke my heart. I felt his pain. And when you know your child is in emotional pain, your pain is unbearable. I want to keep pain at a far for him for the rest of his life, yet I know this is not possible. For now, I will continue living "one year ago today" until I can escape it. The only way I know how to do that is to keep busy, play with the boys and live. LIVE.

Its been almost two months. A lot can happen in that time. And a lot has. Yet as I approach this next month, I feel the need to crawl into a hole and wait out the storm. Bryce turns 4 this Friday. It seems like yesterday I was convincing Steven to just take that work trip he was offered because it was such a great expierence for him and such a big deal that he was asked to go. He was worried about missing Bryces 3rd birthday and I insisted that he shouldnt worry about it, there would be plenty more. Unbeknowns to me, it would be the last Steven could have been to. Following that was Jakes 1st Birthday, which in the end was a wonderful day. 9 days later, Steven was gone. GONE. As in FOREVER. GONE. I feel like Im starting to relive last year. I feel as if I am walking in those footsteps again.