So this is my life?

Im not sure how my life ended up this why. I found a man. I planned my life with him. I knew what I wanted. I knew where our life was going. I found my love, my other half, the man I wanted to be the father of my children. This was the MAN. MAN. I dont think I will ever find another MAN. I have these two beautiful, loving, lively, funny and enjoyable children who dont have a father! They dont have a man in their home. I just cant wrap my brain around it. I cant accept that hes not here. I dont want this!

Gone?

I dont count the days its been, I dont even know how many weeks its been. I havent cried in almost 2 days. Im avoiding it all. I feel like its all going to blow up in my face. He passed June 5th and I dont want to feel this. I dont want to hurt, I dont want to do this. It feels like hes in the garage, working on another car or motorcycle, it feels like hes at work, it feels like hes out. I avoid thinking about him, I avoid it all. I hate this. I cant do this, I dont want to do this. House is too quiet at night. 4th night home alone with the kids. This must be hell.           

How long does this go on?

Bryce asks for you everyday. Randomly, at different times. Sometimes when were in the car, sometimes he just walks into a room and asks, but mostly when hes in trouble and is crying. I then make him finish his timeout or punishment, all the while crying for you and it kills me, and then he gets to come out and we talk and hug and cuddle and then he gets distracted and is over it. Hes been asking for you more often tho, and the answer that you are in heaven is no longer a good enough answer. He re-asks me the question about where you are and I say,"Heaven" again. Then he says, "No mom, MY DAD, MY DAD STEVEN." I then have to say, "Yes baby, your Dad Steven is in heaven." He seems so confused and looks around and ponders. I can see him trying to figure things out and I look at him and I say, "Im sorry, I know this is confusing, I know you miss him, we all miss Daddy." Then we try to talk about the funny things Daddy did. This is just so hard and so not fair. My kids deserve their father!!!! THEY DESERVE THE BEST AND THEIR DADDY WAS THE BEST! Why dont they get that? Why do they have to be the ones without a dad. Then I think I need to be in this rush to get them a new "father figure" but that cannot be just anyone. It has to be someone for the rest of their lives, and then that means it has to be someone for me as well. This blows!!!
Tonight is our 2nd night alone at home, just the 3 of us. Hate it. I wish I could appreciate the quiet time, but its too quiet. Feels like youre in the garage. Will always feel this way, which is why I dont see us being here forever. Its hard. Too hard. I miss you and to avoid missing you, I dont think too deep into the fact that youre gone. I just seem to skim the surface. But Steven, I love you, I miss you, and sometimes I feel if I let myself feel it, I may never get up off the floor and I may just die. I miss you.
-Berna

Where to begin...because there is no end

I started journaling a little, writing things down as I think need be, but I truly can get things out quicker and more understandably when its types. ((Baby crying)).  Who else will be getting up with them at night? Oh yea, no one. Just me. Why? Because you're gone. And the worst part about you being gone is that if you had a choice, you would be here. If you had a choice, you never would have left in the first place. I didn't choose a dead beat, cheating lier of a father or husband. No, I found a truly trustworthy, loving, will walk a million miles for his family type of man. The one I was supposed to raise our children with, build a home, create this loving environment and grow old together, Take this journey of life together. And instead, you are gone. In a place I am trying to deeply understand because while I am lost and confused, we have a three year old son who doesn't understand either. The pain is unimaginable.
I am sick that this has now become my story. I am the widow that people talk about. Our boys are the boys that lost their dad and never really knew him. Its a sick life that no one should ever experience. But we do, for I have found women in my position, searching for an answer that we know will never be answered. "When does this get better?" "When will I feel normal again?" "When will I see him again?" "Do you feel him?"...the questions are endless. Yet all we seem to come up with for one another is "time and grieving is different for everyone." Which is not what we want to hear.
This is our first night home in this house with your mom or Jessica sleeping in the other room. The worst part is hearing noises and I cant blame them on you and feel better about it. Also, Im sitting in bed and you are not working in the garage and then coming to bed. I cant go out there and tell you the time and beg you to come to bed and then have you beg me to sit in the garage with you. I should have some to hang with you, every time. I have a wall up, its blocking out the truth and reality of our future and what it has become. I want you home. I want to hug your chest after you have gotten out of the shower. I want to kick your foot at night. I am sleeping on your side of the bed, closest to the door, shocking I know, only because if I sleep on the other side, Im afraid I will be reaching over to this side for you. Single mom is not what I wanted. Not at all. I know most single moms don't choose that life, but ours is different, WE didn't choose this. Part of me is strong and capable of saying that I will do everything I need to do to raise these children and we will get through this. ANother part of me wants to just say screw it all and beg for prophecy to be fulfilled and see you again, for eternity. My heart aches for that.
I love you
- Berna