I PRAY...

What does 2012 have to bring? For me, fear. Fear of another year and what it will bring. The last 3 years have been, needless to say, hell. 2009- lose Kaden. 2010- Welcome Jake (best part of 2010), yet in and out of hospitals with not many answers. 2011- well, hence the reason for this blog. 2012??? Who will be taken this time? I pray we can get through one year without losing anyone. I pray we all have strength. I pray we are healthy and happy. I pray for stability and I pray my boys feel safe and secure. I pray for a lot of things, but I know it is all out of my control. I will continue to pray and hope for the best. Its all I can do, yet I fear 2012. I pray it proves me wrong.

Seattle 2011

This trip has been bitter sweet. Isn't that everything in life? His booming voice and energetic life is missing in every corner of this house. Yet at the same time, I feel a sense of comfort being here. I can remember the first time I slept in this house. It was Stevens room, the one Jake is now sleeping in. He slept on the couch, seriously, and I slept in his bed. He forgot to close the window that night so I froze my ass off. His mom yelled at him the next morning for freezing me out. LOL. It was the first time Id met his parents. I was 19. Only 19. Wow. Almost 10 years ago. Who would have thought this is where I would be? Yet my mind and body are somewhat at peace in this home. If that is even possible. I know he is here. There is such a huge part of him here. I am so comfortable here. Its like home. Comfortable. I am blessed to have been left with the family he left me with. They are more then inlaws. They are parents and sisters. I am blessed.

I wish we could stay forever. I dread going home. I dont want to walk into that empty house. I dont want to be reminded that he is not there. I dont want to go back to the big decisions that need to be made, the holidays that have to be dealt with and the reminder that I am an ONLY parent. I hate this.

Shopping the mall today was very hard. Men walking into every store, asking for help because they needed something special for their wife. Walking by all the mens clothes and things I would want to be buying Steven. Having that someone special. Knowing there is a special gift under that tree from your best friend. My heart breaks knowing we dont get to do this this year, or ever. EVER.

I often wonder how long Ill be doing this alone. How long Ill be alone in this. Sometimes I worry it will be forever. If so, then Id better get used to it now.

Praying for safe travels home....I guess. Calm boys would be better.

Bah-Humbug

I feel drained. I feel like the life has been sucked right out of me. I feel like I am just following motions in life because I have to. I change diapers, I feed the kids, I put food to my mouth, I sleep, I do it all over again. I walk through the motions of life because I have to. Because my body and mind make me. Yet I do it all without feeling. You see me smile, you see me laugh, I engage in conversation, mostly because that is what is expected of me. Its what people do. My kids make me laugh, I meet up with friends, yet there are no emotions attached to this. Its like a ship that sails with no direction. It moves and functions like a ship should, yet it has no purpose. If I feel, I know I will just feel the pain of him not being there with me to enjoy this expierence. Even if it is a diaper change. He was the first to change each boy after they were born. He loved it. I hate just walking through the motions of life. I hate separating myself from my feelings and what Im doing. I hate it. I hate this life. If anything good came from this, its that Im not afraid to die. Im ready. Like every christian should be, I am ready. I dont know if Ill ever live again because I want to live again. Most of the time I just want to be with him. If youre not a widow, you wont understand. A statement like this makes people worry and this is what send people into mental hospitals. Yet, if you were a widow, you may just get this feeling. Its a "feeling". Thats all it is. I have widow friends, which is so sad, that have told me I will one day want to live again. That day will come, yet I dont see that anytime soon.
The holidays dont make this any easier. Tree? Stockings? Decorations? Ornaments? Lights? All still up in the attic. I dont want to be reminded of where we put of Christmas tree for the last 3 years. I dont want to pull out all of his ornaments that he collected from childhood until now. I dont want to see the ornament we got the year we were engaged for the beautiful wood carved Santa Clause he picked out on one of our trips to Idyllwild. I cant bare to see it all. I dont want a tree, or lights or stockings. I want my house the way it is. Comfortable. No reminders of what he is missing because I have enough of those hanging in my face everyday. I have two little boys that run circles around me all day that remind me of what he misses, and what they are missing. I am reminded and dont need anymore. So, for this year, I can get away without decorating. Bryce has noticed some. He asked where our lights on our house were. When I asked him about getting a Christmas tree because a part of me felt guilty, he said, "No mom, trees are too big and go outside. Not inside." So that was that. I can get away with it this year. Next year we will be decorating in a new home, and the boys will be older and expect it, so it can wait until then.
I cant imagine ever living again. Or wanting to live again. Ever loving again. The pain of losing another would be too real. I also cant imagine anyone good enough to fit my standards, or that would WANT to fit my standards. Its so easy for everyone to say, "Steven will send you someone. Steven would want you to be happy. Steven wouldn't want you to be alone. There is someone out there. In time, someone will come." So easy to say, yet no one knows. No one knows what Steven would want for me because Steven is not here to say. I miss him horribly. I am in his home he grew up in while visiting his parents in Seattle and I feel him everywhere. I see him everywhere. He filled this home with so much laughter and conversation that things just seem to empty now. I am so broken and so worn. I wish someone would wisk me away from this nightmare. I cant wait for Christmas to be over. Then there is New Years, my birthday, Valentines, our anniversary, boys birthdays, so much to be missed, so much I wish I could just sleep through. I hate being alone. I hate doing this ONLY parent thing alone. I hate this life. I miss my husband.

One left turn

And lonely. So effing lonely. I hate being a single mom. I didnt ask for this. Im sure most people dont ask for this, but I also believe many people put themselves in that situation. I did not. We did not. This was not our plan! I was not ment to be here alone raising these two kids! We had a plan. We wanted this family, yet now Im left with it. Left with it, yes. As if it is a burden, yea sometimes it is. Because we wanted the mother and father, the team effort the FAMILY. Yes, I have my little family of the boys and I, but this is not what I would call a family. We are surviving, on the edge of our seats, because we have to. Days dont seem to have purpose like they used to. I just manage to get by. I want my family back. I want our routine, everything we had worked so hard to have. I want it back. I dont to do this alone. I dont want to go to bed alone at night. I dont want to enjoy my kids alone. Yea I have family around, but it is beyond the same of having my best friend around.

I am so tired being mom and dad. I am so tired doing this on my own. I love (hate) when people say, youre not alone, you have all of us to help you. BULL FUCKING SHIT. Because you only come around when I ask, and you do things your way and how you want. Its not the same. It doesnt help. It makes it worse! No one comes around and just says, "Im going to to this for you because I see your tired and I care." No one. Its a wait for a damn invite party.

I just want my husband. I want the man that I wanted to grow old with. I want someone I can ask to help me and not feel guilty about it because he wanted this too. I want Steven.

6 months ago my husband was taken from us, all because of a left hand turn. One left hand turn changed our lives forever. I am so broken down. I am so alone. I am so hurt. I wish he would walk into this door that I am staring at trying to wake up from this nightmare. But hes not. And this nightmare continues on, every morning I wake up.

I pray every night that I find someone again because I don't want to be alone forever. I loved being a wife. Yet the standards this man would have to endure wouldn't even be worth it. He would have to love me for me, love my kids as his own (there is no step dad in this home) and help keep the memory of Steven alive. Sounds completely ridiclous. Impossible.

So, for now I just move. I go with the motions. I go with the motions yet I am exhausted. Beat. Worn down...and nearly done.