One left turn

And lonely. So effing lonely. I hate being a single mom. I didnt ask for this. Im sure most people dont ask for this, but I also believe many people put themselves in that situation. I did not. We did not. This was not our plan! I was not ment to be here alone raising these two kids! We had a plan. We wanted this family, yet now Im left with it. Left with it, yes. As if it is a burden, yea sometimes it is. Because we wanted the mother and father, the team effort the FAMILY. Yes, I have my little family of the boys and I, but this is not what I would call a family. We are surviving, on the edge of our seats, because we have to. Days dont seem to have purpose like they used to. I just manage to get by. I want my family back. I want our routine, everything we had worked so hard to have. I want it back. I dont to do this alone. I dont want to go to bed alone at night. I dont want to enjoy my kids alone. Yea I have family around, but it is beyond the same of having my best friend around.

I am so tired being mom and dad. I am so tired doing this on my own. I love (hate) when people say, youre not alone, you have all of us to help you. BULL FUCKING SHIT. Because you only come around when I ask, and you do things your way and how you want. Its not the same. It doesnt help. It makes it worse! No one comes around and just says, "Im going to to this for you because I see your tired and I care." No one. Its a wait for a damn invite party.

I just want my husband. I want the man that I wanted to grow old with. I want someone I can ask to help me and not feel guilty about it because he wanted this too. I want Steven.

6 months ago my husband was taken from us, all because of a left hand turn. One left hand turn changed our lives forever. I am so broken down. I am so alone. I am so hurt. I wish he would walk into this door that I am staring at trying to wake up from this nightmare. But hes not. And this nightmare continues on, every morning I wake up.

I pray every night that I find someone again because I don't want to be alone forever. I loved being a wife. Yet the standards this man would have to endure wouldn't even be worth it. He would have to love me for me, love my kids as his own (there is no step dad in this home) and help keep the memory of Steven alive. Sounds completely ridiclous. Impossible.

So, for now I just move. I go with the motions. I go with the motions yet I am exhausted. Beat. Worn down...and nearly done.