This trip has been bitter sweet. Isn't that everything in life? His booming voice and energetic life is missing in every corner of this house. Yet at the same time, I feel a sense of comfort being here. I can remember the first time I slept in this house. It was Stevens room, the one Jake is now sleeping in. He slept on the couch, seriously, and I slept in his bed. He forgot to close the window that night so I froze my ass off. His mom yelled at him the next morning for freezing me out. LOL. It was the first time Id met his parents. I was 19. Only 19. Wow. Almost 10 years ago. Who would have thought this is where I would be? Yet my mind and body are somewhat at peace in this home. If that is even possible. I know he is here. There is such a huge part of him here. I am so comfortable here. Its like home. Comfortable. I am blessed to have been left with the family he left me with. They are more then inlaws. They are parents and sisters. I am blessed.
I wish we could stay forever. I dread going home. I dont want to walk into that empty house. I dont want to be reminded that he is not there. I dont want to go back to the big decisions that need to be made, the holidays that have to be dealt with and the reminder that I am an ONLY parent. I hate this.
Shopping the mall today was very hard. Men walking into every store, asking for help because they needed something special for their wife. Walking by all the mens clothes and things I would want to be buying Steven. Having that someone special. Knowing there is a special gift under that tree from your best friend. My heart breaks knowing we dont get to do this this year, or ever. EVER.
I often wonder how long Ill be doing this alone. How long Ill be alone in this. Sometimes I worry it will be forever. If so, then Id better get used to it now.
Praying for safe travels home....I guess. Calm boys would be better.
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