Bah-Humbug

I feel drained. I feel like the life has been sucked right out of me. I feel like I am just following motions in life because I have to. I change diapers, I feed the kids, I put food to my mouth, I sleep, I do it all over again. I walk through the motions of life because I have to. Because my body and mind make me. Yet I do it all without feeling. You see me smile, you see me laugh, I engage in conversation, mostly because that is what is expected of me. Its what people do. My kids make me laugh, I meet up with friends, yet there are no emotions attached to this. Its like a ship that sails with no direction. It moves and functions like a ship should, yet it has no purpose. If I feel, I know I will just feel the pain of him not being there with me to enjoy this expierence. Even if it is a diaper change. He was the first to change each boy after they were born. He loved it. I hate just walking through the motions of life. I hate separating myself from my feelings and what Im doing. I hate it. I hate this life. If anything good came from this, its that Im not afraid to die. Im ready. Like every christian should be, I am ready. I dont know if Ill ever live again because I want to live again. Most of the time I just want to be with him. If youre not a widow, you wont understand. A statement like this makes people worry and this is what send people into mental hospitals. Yet, if you were a widow, you may just get this feeling. Its a "feeling". Thats all it is. I have widow friends, which is so sad, that have told me I will one day want to live again. That day will come, yet I dont see that anytime soon.
The holidays dont make this any easier. Tree? Stockings? Decorations? Ornaments? Lights? All still up in the attic. I dont want to be reminded of where we put of Christmas tree for the last 3 years. I dont want to pull out all of his ornaments that he collected from childhood until now. I dont want to see the ornament we got the year we were engaged for the beautiful wood carved Santa Clause he picked out on one of our trips to Idyllwild. I cant bare to see it all. I dont want a tree, or lights or stockings. I want my house the way it is. Comfortable. No reminders of what he is missing because I have enough of those hanging in my face everyday. I have two little boys that run circles around me all day that remind me of what he misses, and what they are missing. I am reminded and dont need anymore. So, for this year, I can get away without decorating. Bryce has noticed some. He asked where our lights on our house were. When I asked him about getting a Christmas tree because a part of me felt guilty, he said, "No mom, trees are too big and go outside. Not inside." So that was that. I can get away with it this year. Next year we will be decorating in a new home, and the boys will be older and expect it, so it can wait until then.
I cant imagine ever living again. Or wanting to live again. Ever loving again. The pain of losing another would be too real. I also cant imagine anyone good enough to fit my standards, or that would WANT to fit my standards. Its so easy for everyone to say, "Steven will send you someone. Steven would want you to be happy. Steven wouldn't want you to be alone. There is someone out there. In time, someone will come." So easy to say, yet no one knows. No one knows what Steven would want for me because Steven is not here to say. I miss him horribly. I am in his home he grew up in while visiting his parents in Seattle and I feel him everywhere. I see him everywhere. He filled this home with so much laughter and conversation that things just seem to empty now. I am so broken and so worn. I wish someone would wisk me away from this nightmare. I cant wait for Christmas to be over. Then there is New Years, my birthday, Valentines, our anniversary, boys birthdays, so much to be missed, so much I wish I could just sleep through. I hate being alone. I hate doing this ONLY parent thing alone. I hate this life. I miss my husband.