How long does this go on?

Bryce asks for you everyday. Randomly, at different times. Sometimes when were in the car, sometimes he just walks into a room and asks, but mostly when hes in trouble and is crying. I then make him finish his timeout or punishment, all the while crying for you and it kills me, and then he gets to come out and we talk and hug and cuddle and then he gets distracted and is over it. Hes been asking for you more often tho, and the answer that you are in heaven is no longer a good enough answer. He re-asks me the question about where you are and I say,"Heaven" again. Then he says, "No mom, MY DAD, MY DAD STEVEN." I then have to say, "Yes baby, your Dad Steven is in heaven." He seems so confused and looks around and ponders. I can see him trying to figure things out and I look at him and I say, "Im sorry, I know this is confusing, I know you miss him, we all miss Daddy." Then we try to talk about the funny things Daddy did. This is just so hard and so not fair. My kids deserve their father!!!! THEY DESERVE THE BEST AND THEIR DADDY WAS THE BEST! Why dont they get that? Why do they have to be the ones without a dad. Then I think I need to be in this rush to get them a new "father figure" but that cannot be just anyone. It has to be someone for the rest of their lives, and then that means it has to be someone for me as well. This blows!!!
Tonight is our 2nd night alone at home, just the 3 of us. Hate it. I wish I could appreciate the quiet time, but its too quiet. Feels like youre in the garage. Will always feel this way, which is why I dont see us being here forever. Its hard. Too hard. I miss you and to avoid missing you, I dont think too deep into the fact that youre gone. I just seem to skim the surface. But Steven, I love you, I miss you, and sometimes I feel if I let myself feel it, I may never get up off the floor and I may just die. I miss you.
-Berna