I feel like Im waiting for something. Maybe waiting for him to come home? I know hes not. My mind can tell me hes not. Although, right when it gets to the "not", it seems to fade in my brain. Maybe my mind wont completely say it because it hasn't completely accepted it? I don't know. I dont seem to know much these days. Before the accident, I had everything planned. Hell, it seemed like I had life planned. I knew what we were having for dinner almost each night, I knew what every weekend conisited of, over the next few months, I knew birthdays, I knew holidays, I knew it all. I planned it all. I knew our dreams. I knew what we wanted. We wanted a house, on property, so he could have a shop to work out of. We wanted land for the boys to play on, the dogs to run on and our toys to be stored on. Steven always said he wanted a wrap around porch. He always said his favorite house was his "Ohio House" and if he could build one just like it, he would. He wanted to stay in Hemet. He had hundreds of connections here along with most of our family. We knew what we wanted. At 27, we had almost achieved it! We were dreamers and we were go getters. (He played a huge part in that). We had the same dreams and we loved talking about it. On the back road to Loma Linda, which we drove numerous times for Jakes doctor appts, the house of our dreams sat there. Tucked into the hills. Every time we drove by we would slow down. Large house, wrap around porch, grass front, shop 50 yards away. It was everything we wanted. All of that died with him the day he died. I know I can still have the same dreams, make them come true for the boys and I. But these dreams are not the same without him. I don't need a shop on the property. Heck, I don't need property. I dont need a huge house either. Between Steven and I, we had so much we wanted to do. I dont feel like doing much of anything anymore.
I have been able to make dinner again, get laundry done and keep the house clean. I have started doing the whole stay-at-home mommy thing again. But I havent felt like wanting to live again.
Im not afraid to die anymore. I was once terrified. I didn't want to leave this life. I loved it. I had everything I needed and I wanted to stay here forever. Now, I wouldnt mind. I wouldnt mind if my time was sooner then later. I wouldnt mind getting to heaven and spending my eterniry with him. I wouldnt mind. I know I need to be here for the boys. So as long as God plans to have me here, Ill stay, but I just dont mind going whenever Im called on. I read somewhere or some widow once told me that one day Ill realize that life here is good again. One day Ill realize that I want to live again. Now is not that time. I want to be with Steven. I want to get away from this pain and tourture. I cant imagine God has much more for me, when I had everything before. I cant imagine finding a man who loves and adored me as much as Steven did. Men my age are not married for a reason. Men my age come with baggage. There is not going to be a prince charming who will sweep me off my feet. He not only has me to sweep me off my feet, but he has two little boys as well. There is no man who will compare to Steven. I cant imagine anyone who will want to come clean up this mess. As much as I pray there will be, chances are slim.
So, here we are. Stuck in this mess. My kids get the brunt of my frustration and I feel horrible about it. We cry together often, at least Bryce and I do. The pain continues without Steven here. I wish I could take away their pain. I would do anything to take it away. No three year old should know about Heaven and where it is and how you get there. No three year old should say, "Daddy needs to drive his Bronco to be safe and not crash." No three year old should have to know that Daddy is in heaven and not coming back. As for Jake, explaining this will all start over again when I have to explain to him where his Daddy is.
How did we deserve this? Were things just going too good? What else can go wrong? I just want to scream at God. I want to tell him to take it all, because he pretty much did.
Praying for strength, happiness, and something in life to look forward to.
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