What you would want...

I cant help but rack my brain with the ideas of "What would he want" and "What would he do?". Would he wear his wedding ring if I were gone? Yes. I think he would continue to wear it. Would he remarry? Probably not, unless she came into his life and were it. Would he date? Probably not. Would he have a girl on the side? Probably. Would he stay in our home, Yes.

Would he want me to date? I don't know. Would he want me to wear our wedding band? It wouldn't matter. Would he want me to stay in our home? Yes, as long as I could. Would he want me to visit his grave each day? No, because he would say it wasen't "him" there and he wouldn't want that burden on me.

Steven was a man of logic. (Most of the time). When it came to death, I believe he handled it logically. When his dear friend Mary died, he cried and mourned, but he didn't let it drag out. I knew he knew he would see her again. Kadens death was a bit more difficult for him to swallow. He didnt know why such a young and innocent life would be taken away. He didnt ever visit Kadens grave. He knew it was Kaden there. He also never visited his grandparents buried in the San Jacinto Valley Cemetery, where he is now. (Ugh, the thought is horrid). We would drive by it and he would tell me they were buried there, but he never stopped. He knew their bodies lied there, but their heart and soul were gone.

Did Steven pray? Only a few times did I ever see him bow his head at church. He usually took communion. I believe he prayed alone. He mentioned once that he prayed, quietly, alone.

These thoughts pass through my head each day.

I wonder when his death doesnt consume me. When it doesnt take up every ounce of me every day. When will I do things without a second thought to the fact that he is not here or if he were here how it would be different? A part of me wants this to change, another part of me cant let go. I feel guilty for not visiting his grave each and every day. Yet, I know that is not what he would expect of me. I know he would want me to carry on.

I miss him horribly. I dont know how or when this gets better.