6pm

6pm was actually bearable today. I think it has a lot to do with the cable box not being on top of the television and having to look at the time every single time I walked into the room. It was the clock I looked to to check when he would be home and how much time I had until I needed to start dinner. Cable was finally shut off, because we stopped paying the bill. Get this, the bill was in Stevens name. When I thought I was not going to be coming home, I stopped paying it and called them to let them know he had passed. They then told me it was a $300 shut-off fee. WHAT?! Really?!? No ifs, ands or buts, that was that. So, I said really? Then don't expect a payment. Its his credit, not mine. I don't think his matters anymore. Which kills me because he worked so hard to bring it up. Ugh! So anyhow, needless to say, we had internet and cable for almost 3 months after he passed and now that its off, I no longer look at that clock. It was not until now that I realized how much it even effected me. I made dinner for the boys and I, we sat down and ate, and it almost didn't turn my stomach at the fact that he was not home for dinner with us.

I am definitely coming out of the "fog". But now I feel as if he is deployed or on a long break where I cannot talk to him, but I will get to see him one day. I think of the things I need to remember to tell him when I do see him again, in this life. Wrapping my brain around the fact that he is not here, is not possible. I started to creep into that dark hole today. Realizing he was not on this earth anymore, and I felt like that thought was going to ruin my soul. I felt that thought was going to slowly kill me from the inside out. It was not something I could accept. I don't know if its something I can ever accept. I miss him so much. Im starting to miss HIM more then I miss the comapnionship. Im getting used to having these nights alone. Im used to having a quiet house and getting a routine of my own at night. But it does feel like he's still in the garage and all of this has been a nightmare. Speaking of nightmares....I had my first about him last week.

Dreamt that he walked in the door and all of this was a hoax, it had all been made up. It had been made up because he wanted to leave this family and go be with another girl. Another that he had a child with. I was devistated. This man that was the love of my life, the father of my children was back, from the dead essentially, and standing right in front of me, and I couldn't even have him. I couldn't even hug him. And he didn't even care. He was proud of himself for pulling it all off. I was mortified. I was dying. I woke up feeling so unbelievably sick and then another slap in the face when I rolled over to hug him, to run my arm across his chest and have him grab it and squeeze it and pull me into his arms and hug me and laugh at my weird dream. He wasn't there.