Just another day

Today was just like they used to be, except you weren't here. Its almost like you went riding really early and then right to work. If I really think about it, it feels like these past 2 1/2 months  of this have been a bad "thought" in my head and that you will be home in a few hours. When I realize you wont be home, my heart sinks. To get through the day, I have to avoid even thinking about you. But that doesn't happen because everything I do makes me think about you. Went to the dentist today and after my exam, while Im waiting in the chair for the lady to come give me my total to get everything taken care of because we don't have dental coverage anymore, I lost it. I missed you. I usually had you to text and call about how nervous I was about being there and how my anxiety was through the roof and how I would swing by your work afterwards for a hello and a kiss. But I didn't have anyone. I have people, friend and family, but not that someone who really truly deeply cares. No one. It is the most lonely feeling in the world. I won't talk to people about it because I dont want them knowing how bad it hurts. Im sure they can imagine it, so I dont need to tell them how truely horrible this life is. Ive considering making this blog private. I don't want to hold back how shitty Im feeling when Im feeling it bc I think people will read it and feel bad or hurt or feel bad for me. Yet I also think it is important to let people into this world called widowhood because I wont share my feelings with them. Maybe there is also someone out there reading this who is feeling like I am and I am justifying their feelings. I dont know. I dont know what I want anymore. What I do know is I want my husband back. I want Steven. He cared about me more then anyone in the world. I want someone to care about me again. I dont want it to be anyone tho. I want it to be Steven, and it wont ever be again. Someone just kill me. Ugh!!! Not literally, you know what I mean. If you are a widow, you know what I mean. Im sorry if you are a widow. I hate that word! Hate it. FML