6pm

6pm was actually bearable today. I think it has a lot to do with the cable box not being on top of the television and having to look at the time every single time I walked into the room. It was the clock I looked to to check when he would be home and how much time I had until I needed to start dinner. Cable was finally shut off, because we stopped paying the bill. Get this, the bill was in Stevens name. When I thought I was not going to be coming home, I stopped paying it and called them to let them know he had passed. They then told me it was a $300 shut-off fee. WHAT?! Really?!? No ifs, ands or buts, that was that. So, I said really? Then don't expect a payment. Its his credit, not mine. I don't think his matters anymore. Which kills me because he worked so hard to bring it up. Ugh! So anyhow, needless to say, we had internet and cable for almost 3 months after he passed and now that its off, I no longer look at that clock. It was not until now that I realized how much it even effected me. I made dinner for the boys and I, we sat down and ate, and it almost didn't turn my stomach at the fact that he was not home for dinner with us.

I am definitely coming out of the "fog". But now I feel as if he is deployed or on a long break where I cannot talk to him, but I will get to see him one day. I think of the things I need to remember to tell him when I do see him again, in this life. Wrapping my brain around the fact that he is not here, is not possible. I started to creep into that dark hole today. Realizing he was not on this earth anymore, and I felt like that thought was going to ruin my soul. I felt that thought was going to slowly kill me from the inside out. It was not something I could accept. I don't know if its something I can ever accept. I miss him so much. Im starting to miss HIM more then I miss the comapnionship. Im getting used to having these nights alone. Im used to having a quiet house and getting a routine of my own at night. But it does feel like he's still in the garage and all of this has been a nightmare. Speaking of nightmares....I had my first about him last week.

Dreamt that he walked in the door and all of this was a hoax, it had all been made up. It had been made up because he wanted to leave this family and go be with another girl. Another that he had a child with. I was devistated. This man that was the love of my life, the father of my children was back, from the dead essentially, and standing right in front of me, and I couldn't even have him. I couldn't even hug him. And he didn't even care. He was proud of himself for pulling it all off. I was mortified. I was dying. I woke up feeling so unbelievably sick and then another slap in the face when I rolled over to hug him, to run my arm across his chest and have him grab it and squeeze it and pull me into his arms and hug me and laugh at my weird dream. He wasn't there.

Its baby time...

Not for me. Our very best friends (practically family) will welcome Nathan Steven Glover into the world today. I just got the call. I should be rolling over to his side of the bed to wake him up and tell him we need to head to the hospital asap. I should have company on the drive there. We should be there excited together. I should get to see him hold him, and yearn for one more of our own. Get baby fever again together. But hes not here. I will go alone. I will attempt to put on this face of a strong woman as I walk into the hospital, because I do so badly want to be in that room when a new life is welcomed into our world. This is all so very bitter sweet, and I pray that it is more sweet then anything. I dont know how I will be. I want to say I will be fine. But I dont know. I want to hold this new little life in my hands, but I want Steven at my side. I so badly want Steven at my side.

Over it

I dont want to do this anymore! I didnt sign up to be a single mom. I dont want to be the mom and dad, the good and mean person, the fun and angry one. I feel like Im freakin bi-polar! This sucks. I know this is not what Steven would want for me either. I dont know what to do. Like a fellow widower said, "I am not single, I am alone." Most true statement Ive heard in the past 2 1/2 months. Why is that all its been? It feels like its been years. Why is this going so slow? When will this get better? Oh yea, it NEVER will get better, it will just get easier to deal with. WTH?! Really? Ugh!! Very exhausted and frustrated today.

Perfectly imperfect

How did I have it all taken away? What did I do to deserve this? What did my boys do to deserve this? In my own mind I answer the question, "Something bigger will come along". But there was NOTHING bigger then the life of Steven. Nothing better. Nothing. He was everything. He was the life of this household. He was the energy. How did we have it all taken away? How was he robbed of a future he wanted so bad. We had dreams and goals. Look at everything we had at 27!!! A home, 2 kids, desert toys, reliable cars, college degrees, life and love. It was what we wanted and we knew we wanted more. We reached these goal because we made such a good team. We worked well together. We inspired one another and we filled the others flaws. Yea we had our fair share of arguments, it wasn't perfect, but it was perfectly imperfect. He was my life, my other half. He knew my flaws and loved me all the same. He loved me more then I ever appreciated. I still cannot believe he is gone. I still cannot believe our dreams will change. How can I not help but want to find someone new asap when I knew and felt what love was. How could I not want that again?! I want someone to cook and clean for. I want someone to plan our weekends with. I want someone to listen to my bitchy comments and vent to without them judging me. I want my mate, my partner, I want my Steven. I want Steven. I want Steven!

Playful Mama

I find myself leaving the house work to be and getting down right fun and crazy with my boys. Before, I would have left that to Steven to do. Are you kidding me? I had laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning to do! I was a wife and that required a ton. Dont get me wrong, I loved being a wife. I loved it. I loved cleaning and keeping the house together (most of the time) and having someone to appreciate it. Steven was so great at showing he appreciated it (most of the time). He would walk in, usually after I mopped the floor because that tends to make the house feel super clean, and I can just hear him walk through with his heavy black work boots, all over my clean floor and say, "Babe, the house looks great." I would say thanks, rant off the list of things I did because I was impressed with myself that I got much done, and he would head back out to the garage. Although at the time I thought he didn't apprecite it enough, I know he did.
Now, mopping the floor just isnt a priority. Getting laundry done, folded and put away doesnt seem to matter much either. I just dont seem to have a "cleaning/around the house to-do list" like I used to. So what do I do when Im home with the boys all day? I have only had a few of these days because I try to avoid being here too much, but this is what we do...lay on the floor in their room, play airplane on my feet, wrestle, build with blocks, made car tracks and play, watch movies all day and eat popcorn, play outside, laugh, cuddle, laugh some more. I still get the basics done. Laundry is not piling up, but it is folded all over my room. My kids get fed, granted its nothing fancy. Today consisted of mac n cheese and hot dogs for lunch and grilled cheese and green beans for dinner. Simple. I always cooked a fancy dinner, and I enjoyed doing it, because Steven enjoyed eating it. Without someone to enjoy new dinners with or cook their favorites for, I just dont. I avoid cooking dinner. Although today I found myself thinking about, hence the "thinking about", taking chicken out of the freezer for dinner this week. Not because I had a moment of thinking that Steven would be home to eat, but because I think my kids may be a little sick of processed food. Im working on it. Slowly. I know it will get better. I mean it has to. God has to show me some grace soon. I can only pray.
So for now, I will continue to enjoy my amazing 2 little men. I will be silly and fun. They have felt enough pain, that I cant let them feel anymore. Truly, being this new mom has made me happier too. I get sad. Sad that he is missing out on them and these fun family times. But I also hope he is watching over us and laughing along with us too. Hope. I must keep my HOPE.

Just another day

Today was just like they used to be, except you weren't here. Its almost like you went riding really early and then right to work. If I really think about it, it feels like these past 2 1/2 months  of this have been a bad "thought" in my head and that you will be home in a few hours. When I realize you wont be home, my heart sinks. To get through the day, I have to avoid even thinking about you. But that doesn't happen because everything I do makes me think about you. Went to the dentist today and after my exam, while Im waiting in the chair for the lady to come give me my total to get everything taken care of because we don't have dental coverage anymore, I lost it. I missed you. I usually had you to text and call about how nervous I was about being there and how my anxiety was through the roof and how I would swing by your work afterwards for a hello and a kiss. But I didn't have anyone. I have people, friend and family, but not that someone who really truly deeply cares. No one. It is the most lonely feeling in the world. I won't talk to people about it because I dont want them knowing how bad it hurts. Im sure they can imagine it, so I dont need to tell them how truely horrible this life is. Ive considering making this blog private. I don't want to hold back how shitty Im feeling when Im feeling it bc I think people will read it and feel bad or hurt or feel bad for me. Yet I also think it is important to let people into this world called widowhood because I wont share my feelings with them. Maybe there is also someone out there reading this who is feeling like I am and I am justifying their feelings. I dont know. I dont know what I want anymore. What I do know is I want my husband back. I want Steven. He cared about me more then anyone in the world. I want someone to care about me again. I dont want it to be anyone tho. I want it to be Steven, and it wont ever be again. Someone just kill me. Ugh!!! Not literally, you know what I mean. If you are a widow, you know what I mean. Im sorry if you are a widow. I hate that word! Hate it. FML

The word...

Im still having a hard time accepting the fact that I am a "widow". Even typing the word gets under my skin. I thought after last weekends retreat, I had somewhat gotten past it. Was going to be able to leave there and announce to the world, "Yes, I am a widow". Ahh, I can hardly type that. Stomach turns! I am almost embarrassed to admit it. In fact, I am down right embarrassed to admit it. Why? Maybe because it makes all of this real. Maybe its because widows are supposed to be old, wrinkled, mean ladies. Thats not me. I am 28, with two boys, a whole life to live, and I, this young, am a widow. My husband...well we know. Thats why I am what I am. I dont want to be this. Although no one does. But I am. I am this.

I am a... Widow.

Now for the next fear...finding someone new....that thought turns my stomach as well. Meaning Im totally not ready, but I KNOW I DONT want to be alone forever anf its a damn straight fact that my most amazing little men deserve a man in their life to call Dad. While knowing their real Dad as well because he cant ever be replaced. But in a perfect world, they could have both. Dad in Heaven and Dad here. Doesnt sound perfect. But where we are in our lives, thats the idea I have as perfect.

This is what I hear...
-Dont rush it
-Give yourself time to grieve
-Steven would want you to be happy

I know all of this. Believe me, when Im ready it will just happen. I don't have the energy to go out and find someone or something. I didn't try much with Steven. LOL. Stalker :)
Honestly...Who would ever be brave enough to marry a widow and take on two kids? And stick around forever because all I want is forever. I thought I had forever?! Steven and I had forever and we got robbed! Wrap your brain around that one!

Then Michelle from the widows retreat, still cant accept "Widows Retreat" (almost laughable) also put some new perspective into my mind. Any man who wants me bad enough to be willing to take all of this on, must also realize what I am risking. I am risking love again, because he is worth it, he is worth going through this again, just to love him for the now and risk losing another love in my life. He had better realize how freakin amazing I am. And he had better not own a street bike. Jerk!  Yea, cant see that ever happening. So am I growing to be the lonely widow forever? Possibly. What a sad existence tho. People were meant to love, meant to have a partner. I am not meant to be alone forever. I know that. But how in the world does this work. I dont want to date again. I want my husband back. I want our little family that I adored so much back. If wishes were changes...life would be amazing. I hope one day I can say, "My life is Amazing" and know I mean it from the depths of my soul. A few months ago, I had that. How I long for it again.
Steven, we miss you.

It must be a blogging sorta day...

I swear! I am shocked at those who still have yet to call, those who spoke with Steven everyday. Those whom he considered his best friends. I don't expect a lot, but thinking about the big picture, most of his "friends" just suck. People say, "Just ask for help, you know we are always here for you. You are not alone". But if you knew me, you knew I wouldn't ask. Since you are not around, I don't feel like you are here for me and yes, I am so alone. Its those that just "do" that I appreciate. Those that just say, "Listen, I know you need this or that so its done." Its those that look me in the eye when they talk to me and its those who don't avoid me when walking in a store. I've seen you turn the other way. I've sat in a room with you while you avoided eye contact with me the entire time. I'm not going to rub some widow potion on you. Its not contagious. Get over yourself! You may not know what to say to me, but saying nothing is worse then saying something. I'm not going to break down in front of you. Im not going to fall to the ground and wait for you to pick me up. Thanks to those who have unexpectedly "stepped up". Steven would be grateful for you. I am beyond grateful for you. For those that haven't, after saying they would, F*ck you!

If wishes were changes there'd be no goodbyes

How do I take away my sons pain? We had a good cry today. Is their such thing as a good cry? That seems like an oxymoron. Good cry. Really? Ugh. He just missed Daddy. He was throwing tantrums, talking back, hitting, and thats when he came and just sat in my lap and cried. I cried too. I told him it was okay to cry. It was okay to miss Daddy. I said I was sorry that Daddy was not coming home. I was sorry that Daddy was gone. I am so sorry. No 3 year old should understand Heaven. Thats when Jake joined us, he is 1, and sat in my lap as well. He then pointed to Bryces nose and then pointed to my nose and Bryce and I just giggled. I am sometimes grateful that Jake is so young and wont remember this or experience the pain we feel. But then again, because of that, he never got to know his Daddy. And that kills me. THere is nothing good to come out of this. I sometimes wonder if 20 years down the road I will look back and see all of the amazing things we have done. But I cant imagine what is in store. All I know is it MUST go up from here. It cant go down, it cant get worse. We deserve more. Our entire family, extended family, friends, deserve more. God had better have something amazing in store for us all, because I have some words for him when I get my chance to join Steven. Until then, I will keep on keeping on. Yes its hard, yes it hurts and yes it sucks more then anything. But what else am I supposed to do? Steven would be pissed if I laid in a ball and cried every day. For some reason, I am still breathing. As long as I am breathing, I am breathing for my boys and for Steven.

Where is Daddy?

This is a question I get everyday from our 3 year old. Where are you? Why cant we see you? Ive always told him, "Daddy went to heaven to be with Jesus." Amazingly hes never asked to call you. Which still to this day shocks me. About 2 months after you passed, its only been 2 1/2 months, Bryce began asking me how you went to Heaven. I started telling him a little of the truth. I said that "Daddy was on his motorcycle and crashed and got big owies. Big enough that the doctors couldnt fix them and then Jesus came down with the angels and took Daddy up to Heaven." He was over this story quick because then he started asking, "Where is my Daddy? My Dad Steven?" He knew this story was too much for his little brain to work on and handle, so he wanted something simple like, "Dads at work." How I wish more then anything in the world that I could just give Bryce that answer. How I wish more then anything in the deepest parts of my soul that this were true. I wish wish wish Daddy were just at work!!! Again, I told him you were in Heaven and then I added that Daddy couldnt come home but he loves you very much. After about 5-10 minutes (which seems like forever) of asking, he moves on to something else and is over the topic. For a while he liked looking at your picture. I know it brought him comfort. Now he doesnt want to. I think the thought of you not coming home is settling in. As settling as it can be. He has begun to get mad. Hitting walls and throwing things. I try to stay calm because I know this all stems back to you not being here. I know hes angry about that and its starting to show. I just want to give him the world. I want to give him everything his little heart desires. I think he's already feeling enough pain, why not give him all of the happiness in the world? Its such a catch 22. Grrr! All I can do is provide him with the most stability I can. He asks for the Bronco, trailer and yellow quad often. He wants to go get them and bring them home. I got a new car last week and he asks for the old one. When I cut the lawn the other day, he cried at the back sliding door for you, knowing what I was doing was Daddy s job. Broke my heart. What hurt me the most was in the car driving home from Carlsbad yesterday. He said he didn't want to go home with Mommy and Jake, he wanted ti go to Heaven because he had big owies and see Dad. he said this over and over after I continued to tell him that it wasn't an option. He was here to stay for a very long time. I cling to these boys now more then ever. Thank you Steven for leaving me a piece of you. I pray they grow to be strong, healthy, amazing and happy individuals. That they strive for and reach every goal and they grow up as handsome and smart as you were in your 27 years here on earth.

What I've learned so far...

-There is no one right way to grieve

-Your body and/or God will only give you as much pain and anguish as you can handle

-The sun will always rise to a new day

-Take your pain as it comes. Cry when you need to. Let it out.

-Everyone is in pain, its how you choose to deal with it that sets your course in life,

-Ask for help (My biggest problem!)

Worst things people say

-He is in a better place. (Im sorry, I think this is the BEST place)

-You will see him again

-Hes watching over you

-Hes with you (Really? I sure dont feel him)

-Everything happens for a reason

-Youre still young and will find love again (Um...really?!)

What used to be...

I used to have it together, most of the time. Paperwork organized, weekends planned, heck I had the next two months planned out. I cant even seem to get the next day planned anymore. I cant seem to get anything together. I have paperwork that has piled up all over the place. Things I need to take care of but cant get the courage or energy to do so. I looked at my bank account today, trying to get that organized and had huge anxiety. Near panic attack. I hate this shit! Today I am just one pist off mama.
I don't know where to begin. Stevens great grandmother passed away. They were closer then most. She thought the world of him and he adored her. My boys adored her. Bryce didn't walk into the house without asking for a tortilla and she would jump at the chance to make him any homemade anything. She was amazing. Its hard to believe shes gone. I haven't cried over her passing. I'm almost jealous. I wish I was her. I wish I was going to spend eternity with Steven. I know I have my boys to raise, but sadly, I don't care. I mean I do because I am their mother, but I would give anything to be with him, in his arms, knowing that we will be together forever. I cant imagine ever loving another man. As each day goes on, I tend to get further and further away from the idea of finding someone new, because all I want is him. I don't think I could ever love another like I loved him. Maybe I will grow into an old, lonely widow and die. I wouldn't mind right about now.
I dreamt of Steven last week. I was lying on the couch and I was lying on him, snuggled up. I looked up at his face and was shocked to see him there. I said, "Why are you here?! You should be in heaven." He just said "Shh, enjoy this before I have to leave." and he pressed my head back down to his chest. I can remember every little thing about him, his body, his touch, his feel, and what I would give to have that again. I don't feel like hes gone, I feel like hes going to come home tonight and I will have all of that again. But then to come to the realization that he is in a jar on my dresser and in a urn in the gun safe is surreal. I could die. Just die.

Him

I want him. I want Steven back. I cant help but think that anyone around the house would make it better. Now, I just know that only he can make it better. No one will compare to him. He was a one of a kind. He was amzing. I miss him so much I could die. I want him home. I want him working in the garage. I want him kissing our kids goodnight. I want him in our bed. I hate sleeping alone. I hate it. I hate that I am attending a widows retreat!!! Why is this my life?! This is ridiculous. Everyone I know has a cute little family at home. Husbands that come home at night. Why in the hell is this the life we were dealt?! I cant help but think about what we would be doing right now if he were here. What plans we would be making. I hate this! I dont want to be at home. But I dont want to be anywhere else. I want to move out and get our boys a new home, but I dont want to leave our home. I have so much crap and decisions to make, yet I dont want to make any without him. I just want life to speed up and get better, if that is ever possible.

Hard day

Today has been one of the hardest days Ive had in a while. And its only 10am. I miss him horribly today. It hurts so bad. I just miss him! MISS MISS MISS. That seems to be the key word today. In 2 months since being gone, he has missed Jakes first steps, Bryces first day of preschool and Bryces first time reading. I cant believe it. I hate not having my other half to call and share these exciting things with. Someone who would be just as proud as me about the new things our boys are doing. Funny stories and silly antics. Its just me. I laugh and smile and then Im sad because he cant be here to share it with. There are so many milestones ahead that he will miss and it hurts so bad to know that. Sometimes I pray that Steven sends us someone that will love the boys and share in my pride of them. I know so many step parents that love their step children as their own. I pray my boys are lucky enough to have that. I wish more then anything it was their own dad. Wish I could just sleep through today. Praying for strength.

I am....

...a widow. But I do not want this word to define me for my entire life! I am blessed to be on these blogs. I know they are a place for widows and widowers to vent out their frustration on life. But how am I expected to be encouraged when some people write about how much harder life is 2 years later? Some even 15 years later? Is this that I have to look forward to? It gives me no hope that I will ever get the chance to have a life, and love again. People are making their deceased spouse cakes years down the road, they are celebrating anniversaries. I know that people do everything differently. This just seems extream. I am obviously different. I will never ever forget the most amazing man I ever married. His life will be forever carried on in his children. I will cry and mourn over his death for the rest of my life. But I know I have faith that I will see him again and he is waiting for me in eternity.