6pm

6pm was actually bearable today. I think it has a lot to do with the cable box not being on top of the television and having to look at the time every single time I walked into the room. It was the clock I looked to to check when he would be home and how much time I had until I needed to start dinner. Cable was finally shut off, because we stopped paying the bill. Get this, the bill was in Stevens name. When I thought I was not going to be coming home, I stopped paying it and called them to let them know he had passed. They then told me it was a $300 shut-off fee. WHAT?! Really?!? No ifs, ands or buts, that was that. So, I said really? Then don't expect a payment. Its his credit, not mine. I don't think his matters anymore. Which kills me because he worked so hard to bring it up. Ugh! So anyhow, needless to say, we had internet and cable for almost 3 months after he passed and now that its off, I no longer look at that clock. It was not until now that I realized how much it even effected me. I made dinner for the boys and I, we sat down and ate, and it almost didn't turn my stomach at the fact that he was not home for dinner with us.

I am definitely coming out of the "fog". But now I feel as if he is deployed or on a long break where I cannot talk to him, but I will get to see him one day. I think of the things I need to remember to tell him when I do see him again, in this life. Wrapping my brain around the fact that he is not here, is not possible. I started to creep into that dark hole today. Realizing he was not on this earth anymore, and I felt like that thought was going to ruin my soul. I felt that thought was going to slowly kill me from the inside out. It was not something I could accept. I don't know if its something I can ever accept. I miss him so much. Im starting to miss HIM more then I miss the comapnionship. Im getting used to having these nights alone. Im used to having a quiet house and getting a routine of my own at night. But it does feel like he's still in the garage and all of this has been a nightmare. Speaking of nightmares....I had my first about him last week.

Dreamt that he walked in the door and all of this was a hoax, it had all been made up. It had been made up because he wanted to leave this family and go be with another girl. Another that he had a child with. I was devistated. This man that was the love of my life, the father of my children was back, from the dead essentially, and standing right in front of me, and I couldn't even have him. I couldn't even hug him. And he didn't even care. He was proud of himself for pulling it all off. I was mortified. I was dying. I woke up feeling so unbelievably sick and then another slap in the face when I rolled over to hug him, to run my arm across his chest and have him grab it and squeeze it and pull me into his arms and hug me and laugh at my weird dream. He wasn't there.

Its baby time...

Not for me. Our very best friends (practically family) will welcome Nathan Steven Glover into the world today. I just got the call. I should be rolling over to his side of the bed to wake him up and tell him we need to head to the hospital asap. I should have company on the drive there. We should be there excited together. I should get to see him hold him, and yearn for one more of our own. Get baby fever again together. But hes not here. I will go alone. I will attempt to put on this face of a strong woman as I walk into the hospital, because I do so badly want to be in that room when a new life is welcomed into our world. This is all so very bitter sweet, and I pray that it is more sweet then anything. I dont know how I will be. I want to say I will be fine. But I dont know. I want to hold this new little life in my hands, but I want Steven at my side. I so badly want Steven at my side.

Over it

I dont want to do this anymore! I didnt sign up to be a single mom. I dont want to be the mom and dad, the good and mean person, the fun and angry one. I feel like Im freakin bi-polar! This sucks. I know this is not what Steven would want for me either. I dont know what to do. Like a fellow widower said, "I am not single, I am alone." Most true statement Ive heard in the past 2 1/2 months. Why is that all its been? It feels like its been years. Why is this going so slow? When will this get better? Oh yea, it NEVER will get better, it will just get easier to deal with. WTH?! Really? Ugh!! Very exhausted and frustrated today.

Perfectly imperfect

How did I have it all taken away? What did I do to deserve this? What did my boys do to deserve this? In my own mind I answer the question, "Something bigger will come along". But there was NOTHING bigger then the life of Steven. Nothing better. Nothing. He was everything. He was the life of this household. He was the energy. How did we have it all taken away? How was he robbed of a future he wanted so bad. We had dreams and goals. Look at everything we had at 27!!! A home, 2 kids, desert toys, reliable cars, college degrees, life and love. It was what we wanted and we knew we wanted more. We reached these goal because we made such a good team. We worked well together. We inspired one another and we filled the others flaws. Yea we had our fair share of arguments, it wasn't perfect, but it was perfectly imperfect. He was my life, my other half. He knew my flaws and loved me all the same. He loved me more then I ever appreciated. I still cannot believe he is gone. I still cannot believe our dreams will change. How can I not help but want to find someone new asap when I knew and felt what love was. How could I not want that again?! I want someone to cook and clean for. I want someone to plan our weekends with. I want someone to listen to my bitchy comments and vent to without them judging me. I want my mate, my partner, I want my Steven. I want Steven. I want Steven!

Playful Mama

I find myself leaving the house work to be and getting down right fun and crazy with my boys. Before, I would have left that to Steven to do. Are you kidding me? I had laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, cleaning and more cleaning to do! I was a wife and that required a ton. Dont get me wrong, I loved being a wife. I loved it. I loved cleaning and keeping the house together (most of the time) and having someone to appreciate it. Steven was so great at showing he appreciated it (most of the time). He would walk in, usually after I mopped the floor because that tends to make the house feel super clean, and I can just hear him walk through with his heavy black work boots, all over my clean floor and say, "Babe, the house looks great." I would say thanks, rant off the list of things I did because I was impressed with myself that I got much done, and he would head back out to the garage. Although at the time I thought he didn't apprecite it enough, I know he did.
Now, mopping the floor just isnt a priority. Getting laundry done, folded and put away doesnt seem to matter much either. I just dont seem to have a "cleaning/around the house to-do list" like I used to. So what do I do when Im home with the boys all day? I have only had a few of these days because I try to avoid being here too much, but this is what we do...lay on the floor in their room, play airplane on my feet, wrestle, build with blocks, made car tracks and play, watch movies all day and eat popcorn, play outside, laugh, cuddle, laugh some more. I still get the basics done. Laundry is not piling up, but it is folded all over my room. My kids get fed, granted its nothing fancy. Today consisted of mac n cheese and hot dogs for lunch and grilled cheese and green beans for dinner. Simple. I always cooked a fancy dinner, and I enjoyed doing it, because Steven enjoyed eating it. Without someone to enjoy new dinners with or cook their favorites for, I just dont. I avoid cooking dinner. Although today I found myself thinking about, hence the "thinking about", taking chicken out of the freezer for dinner this week. Not because I had a moment of thinking that Steven would be home to eat, but because I think my kids may be a little sick of processed food. Im working on it. Slowly. I know it will get better. I mean it has to. God has to show me some grace soon. I can only pray.
So for now, I will continue to enjoy my amazing 2 little men. I will be silly and fun. They have felt enough pain, that I cant let them feel anymore. Truly, being this new mom has made me happier too. I get sad. Sad that he is missing out on them and these fun family times. But I also hope he is watching over us and laughing along with us too. Hope. I must keep my HOPE.

Just another day

Today was just like they used to be, except you weren't here. Its almost like you went riding really early and then right to work. If I really think about it, it feels like these past 2 1/2 months  of this have been a bad "thought" in my head and that you will be home in a few hours. When I realize you wont be home, my heart sinks. To get through the day, I have to avoid even thinking about you. But that doesn't happen because everything I do makes me think about you. Went to the dentist today and after my exam, while Im waiting in the chair for the lady to come give me my total to get everything taken care of because we don't have dental coverage anymore, I lost it. I missed you. I usually had you to text and call about how nervous I was about being there and how my anxiety was through the roof and how I would swing by your work afterwards for a hello and a kiss. But I didn't have anyone. I have people, friend and family, but not that someone who really truly deeply cares. No one. It is the most lonely feeling in the world. I won't talk to people about it because I dont want them knowing how bad it hurts. Im sure they can imagine it, so I dont need to tell them how truely horrible this life is. Ive considering making this blog private. I don't want to hold back how shitty Im feeling when Im feeling it bc I think people will read it and feel bad or hurt or feel bad for me. Yet I also think it is important to let people into this world called widowhood because I wont share my feelings with them. Maybe there is also someone out there reading this who is feeling like I am and I am justifying their feelings. I dont know. I dont know what I want anymore. What I do know is I want my husband back. I want Steven. He cared about me more then anyone in the world. I want someone to care about me again. I dont want it to be anyone tho. I want it to be Steven, and it wont ever be again. Someone just kill me. Ugh!!! Not literally, you know what I mean. If you are a widow, you know what I mean. Im sorry if you are a widow. I hate that word! Hate it. FML

The word...

Im still having a hard time accepting the fact that I am a "widow". Even typing the word gets under my skin. I thought after last weekends retreat, I had somewhat gotten past it. Was going to be able to leave there and announce to the world, "Yes, I am a widow". Ahh, I can hardly type that. Stomach turns! I am almost embarrassed to admit it. In fact, I am down right embarrassed to admit it. Why? Maybe because it makes all of this real. Maybe its because widows are supposed to be old, wrinkled, mean ladies. Thats not me. I am 28, with two boys, a whole life to live, and I, this young, am a widow. My husband...well we know. Thats why I am what I am. I dont want to be this. Although no one does. But I am. I am this.

I am a... Widow.

Now for the next fear...finding someone new....that thought turns my stomach as well. Meaning Im totally not ready, but I KNOW I DONT want to be alone forever anf its a damn straight fact that my most amazing little men deserve a man in their life to call Dad. While knowing their real Dad as well because he cant ever be replaced. But in a perfect world, they could have both. Dad in Heaven and Dad here. Doesnt sound perfect. But where we are in our lives, thats the idea I have as perfect.

This is what I hear...
-Dont rush it
-Give yourself time to grieve
-Steven would want you to be happy

I know all of this. Believe me, when Im ready it will just happen. I don't have the energy to go out and find someone or something. I didn't try much with Steven. LOL. Stalker :)
Honestly...Who would ever be brave enough to marry a widow and take on two kids? And stick around forever because all I want is forever. I thought I had forever?! Steven and I had forever and we got robbed! Wrap your brain around that one!

Then Michelle from the widows retreat, still cant accept "Widows Retreat" (almost laughable) also put some new perspective into my mind. Any man who wants me bad enough to be willing to take all of this on, must also realize what I am risking. I am risking love again, because he is worth it, he is worth going through this again, just to love him for the now and risk losing another love in my life. He had better realize how freakin amazing I am. And he had better not own a street bike. Jerk!  Yea, cant see that ever happening. So am I growing to be the lonely widow forever? Possibly. What a sad existence tho. People were meant to love, meant to have a partner. I am not meant to be alone forever. I know that. But how in the world does this work. I dont want to date again. I want my husband back. I want our little family that I adored so much back. If wishes were changes...life would be amazing. I hope one day I can say, "My life is Amazing" and know I mean it from the depths of my soul. A few months ago, I had that. How I long for it again.
Steven, we miss you.