Lonely life

This is seriously the loneliest I've ever felt. I may have my two boys around, but there is nothing like adult companionship. Steven was by far the best adult companion. He loved my dinners, appreciated a clean house, loved on me more then I wanted. :) I miss him down to the depths of my soul. There is no one now to thank me for a good home cooked meal, no ones eyes scanning the living room after I've cleaned all day and no one to bug in the morning and kiss goodnight. I'm empty, lonely and ready to go eat a cantaloupe. Lol.

"Sadversary", milestone, Birthday in Heaven

Whatever you want to call it, today was that day. Today was your birthday. What would we have done? Pretty much exactly what we did do. Camp. We went to Lake Skinner with more friends and family then we probably would have if you had been here. It was fun. Different, which is the story of my life, but fun none the less. Boys loved it, friends and family loved it. There were more laughs then tears.

I miss you. I try not to think about today. I try to treat it as any other day. Celebrated Dads birthday and tried to stay busy and distracted. In the back of my mind though, I truly cannot believe you were not here to celebrate with us. Your infectious smile and laugh and loud booming voice not here anymore makes everything feel so empty.

Happy Birthday Babe. This was the day your amazing mother brought you into this world. For that I am forever grateful. I am a better mother, wife, friend and person because I had you in my life. It may have been for a lot shorter of a time then I dreamed of, but none the less, Im glad I even had you at all. I am honored that I was, and am, and will forever be, your wife. The boys and I started a few traditions today, that we will honor every year. We let some balloons go to heaven that we left messages on. We also lit a candle and placed it at your cross in the backyard tonight and sang Happy Birthday. Just the three of us. It was perfect. Yet not quite. Perfect would have been having you with us. Why arnt you hear?!? I wish I were with you in a place with no pain or hurt or fear.

Please come to me in my dreams.
xoxo

A community I love, yet I wish I was never a part of

I go to bed tonight a little bit lighter. After an amazing 2 hour conversation with Natalie, founder of Wise Widowed Parents, I don't feel so alone tonight. I know that my worries and concerns are those of others as well. Other moms out there, babies in bed, going to bed alone and desperately wishing this were the life they were not leading. Aching for their dead husbands. Ugh, typing that word still turns my stomach. First off, it was the first night in a while where I didn't feel so lonely. Kids were in bed and I was having an adult conversation. Secondly, this woman was amazing. She reached out to 17 other widows and will be getting us all together to grieve/heal together. As much as she stated I was an inspiration to others and her, she is a huge inspiration to me. Retreat for families in November and looking forward to it.

Pain I cant feel

I miss him. I miss him more then my body will let me feel it. I miss him so much that my mind and body cannot possibly feel the immense pain of missing him.

September 25, this Sunday, would have been his 28th birthday. We are camping at Lake Skinner. We probably would have been camping in the desert for his birthday. Riding dirtbikes, BBQs, bon fires, cuddling, drinks and fun. Instead, we are camping at Skinner. I like the way a friend of mine put it, she said, "Enjoy camping in the gift he sent you." He did send us this trailer. He must have. Theres no way, the phone number on this trailer consisted of two numbers, which happened to be our numbers, 2 and 7. So, I knew I wanted to get out and camp. I love to camp. As the date gets closer to leave, Im wishing more and more and more that Steven were going with us. I want him here. I miss him terribly. I dont know how Im supposed to go on living like this.

Sometimes I think that I just need to find someone new. As if it would fill the void of Steven being gone. I know it wont, but I think it would be a great distraction. I think it would be comforting. I know I will never have Steven again. I know this thought will tear me apart for the rest of my life. But I also know I have love to give. I need love. My boys deserve more love then ever. Someday. As for now, I continue to try and try to live. I try to ignore the intense pain pulling at my heart and weighing me down. I miss him.

More sorrow then joy

It seems like God is coming down and quickly plucking people one by one. Steven, Grandma Susie, Myers Great Grandma Mack, Myers Papa, family friend Jeff Pinny and now George Duran. What is going on? This is all in a matter of 3 months! If I went back 2 years, this list would double. Maybe Im more aware of people passing now? Or maybe its just happening more often? I dont know. I dont get it. Im scared. Worried. Whos next? Just when I think we've had to deal with enough death, another call comes in. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic. Everyone dies right? But I thought everyone died at old ages. Not 27, not in their 50s. I just dont get it.

Waiting, wishing...

I feel like Im waiting for something. Maybe waiting for him to come home? I know hes not. My mind can tell me hes not. Although, right when it gets to the "not", it seems to fade in my brain. Maybe my mind wont completely say it because it hasn't completely accepted it? I don't know. I dont seem to know much these days. Before the accident, I had everything planned. Hell, it seemed like I had life planned. I knew what we were having for dinner almost each night, I knew what every weekend conisited of, over the next few months, I knew birthdays, I knew holidays, I knew it all. I planned it all. I knew our dreams. I knew what we wanted. We wanted a house, on property, so he could have a shop to work out of. We wanted land for the boys to play on, the dogs to run on and our toys to be stored on. Steven always said he wanted a wrap around porch. He always said his favorite house was his "Ohio House" and if he could build one just like it, he would. He wanted to stay in Hemet. He had hundreds of connections here along with most of our family. We knew what we wanted. At 27, we had almost achieved it! We were dreamers and we were go getters. (He played a huge part in that). We had the same dreams and we loved talking about it. On the back road to Loma Linda, which we drove numerous times for Jakes doctor appts, the house of our dreams sat there. Tucked into the hills. Every time we drove by we would slow down. Large house, wrap around porch, grass front, shop 50 yards away. It was everything we wanted. All of that died with him the day he died. I know I can still have the same dreams, make them come true for the boys and I. But these dreams are not the same without him. I don't need a shop on the property. Heck, I don't need property. I dont need a huge house either. Between Steven and I, we had so much we wanted to do. I dont feel like doing much of anything anymore.
I have been able to make dinner again, get laundry done and keep the house clean. I have started doing the whole stay-at-home mommy thing again. But I havent felt like wanting to live again.

Im not afraid to die anymore. I was once terrified. I didn't want to leave this life. I loved it. I had everything I needed and I wanted to stay here forever. Now, I wouldnt mind. I wouldnt mind if my time was sooner then later. I wouldnt mind getting to heaven and spending my eterniry with him. I wouldnt mind. I know I need to be here for the boys. So as long as God plans to have me here, Ill stay, but I just dont mind going whenever Im called on. I read somewhere or some widow once told me that one day Ill realize that life here is good again. One day Ill realize that I want to live again. Now is not that time. I want to be with Steven. I want to get away from this pain and tourture. I cant imagine God has much more for me, when I had everything before. I cant imagine finding a man who loves and adored me as much as Steven did. Men my age are not married for a reason. Men my age come with baggage. There is not going to be a prince charming who will sweep me off my feet. He not only has me to sweep me off my feet, but he has two little boys as well. There is no man who will compare to Steven. I cant imagine anyone who will want to come clean up this mess. As much as I pray there will be, chances are slim.

So, here we are. Stuck in this mess. My kids get the brunt of my frustration and I feel horrible about it. We cry together often, at least Bryce and I do. The pain continues without Steven here. I wish I could take away their pain. I would do anything to take it away. No three year old should know about Heaven and where it is and how you get there. No three year old should say, "Daddy needs to drive his Bronco to be safe and not crash." No three year old should have to know that Daddy is in heaven and not coming back. As for Jake, explaining this will all start over again when I have to explain to him where his Daddy is.
How did we deserve this? Were things just going too good? What else can go wrong? I just want to scream at God. I want to tell him to take it all, because he pretty much did.
Praying for strength, happiness, and something in life to look forward to.

Breaking point

I am near jumping off a cliff. I am done. DONE. I hate this life so much. I hate being a single mom. I hate not being able to give my kids Me. The real me. I hate that they dont get me and their dad. I hate that they are both in their bed right now, screaming themselves to sleep, or not to sleep, because I dont have the patience to rock them or deal with them. They are fed, clean, bathed and have what they need, yet they are both in there screaming at me. SCREAMING. Im not about to call for help. The thought makes me sick. The only person I want to walk into this door is Steven. I want Steven to walk in, go into the room, tuck them in, kiss their heads, and have silence. SILENCE. This life is so fucked up and I hate it.

::No need to read this and call 911. Im not going to kill myself. Im just venting::