New home, New chapter, New everything

You are becoming a memory. A memory that we talk of often, laugh about most of the time and remember fondly. I hate that. I hate that you are a memory. I would give anything to have you back here. Divorced, I would have done it. My fault, I would have taken the blame. But to have you GONE from everyones life, is just not fair.

Lately, the more we talk about you, the more we feel that you knew your time was coming. You were the busiest man I knew. I remember telling people I just couldnt keep up with you. Every hobby or idea had to happen here and now. There was no waiting, you put your heart and soul into everything you did. You were the most passionate person I knew. You loved hard, played hard and lived hard. You were amazing.

Today, I sleep in a new home. A home you have never stepped into. A home that is mine. Not ours. MINE. I hate that. It is such a lonely feeling.

I miss you. Be with us here. xoxo

A life I dont want...

Anxiety has taken a hold of me. One person goes into the ER for something minor, I dont hear back from them when I text or call, and my mind goes to the worst of the worst. Anxiety takes over and I am done for. I cant live like this. I cant let this take over my life. My Dad told me the other day that his grandmother always told him there was no such place as Hell. That THIS is Hell. I couldnt agree more. There seems to be more bad then good in this world and in this life. I couldnt take another loss or another tragedy. Its my biggest fear. Its anyones biggest fear, but the reality of it is so terrifying.

The time has come...

...to start a new chapter. The thought of this makes me literally sick to my stomach. It makes parts of my body ache that I didn't know could. The saying, "curl up and die" comes to mind. Its funny how people use sayings like this one so easily. But to say it and truly know the feeling, is something completely different. Its almost as if that saying does these feelings no justice.

I knew the day would come when we would need to move. This was inevitable. I could have avoided it by possibly working with the bank, if they had been willing, and paying the outragous mortgage on this house that is in Stevens name only. But with advice from family, friends and attornies, it was best to live here as long as we could, and then walk away. So, this is exactly what we are doing. The home forecloses on Friday, we move out Saturday. Done. Unbelievebale. I never thought Id be moving out of this house without Steven. I never thought Id be packing up his things, not sure of what to do with them. Do I take his shoes, that are still sitting on the closet floor where he left them and put them in my new house? Of course not. That sounds ridiculous. But the thought of not having any of his things there is unfathomable. Yes, Ill still have a few of his jackets, tshirts to wear, etc, yet they will not be there waiting for him to come claim them. All of his things will be in totes, in the garage, sititng until I can decide what and where to put them. I have yet to "get rid" of anything. I dont want the boys to one day ask me where it all went. I want to have everything for them incase they ever want it. I also have moments when I just want to wear his tshirt or slip on his slippers.

The harsh reality is Steven has never and will not ever walk into our new home. For now, I must pack

Damn

Family...

I know Steven left this world knowing that I would be in the best hands possible. I know he was able to leave, content with the fact that he always said "I love you" and that he didn't have one enemy. Our families are amazing. I will always be grateful that he is so close to all side of his family and that he and I built relationships with them that I can continue to carry on. Tonight, the boys and I are visiting his cousin and his family. Now, Steven would only consider him his cousin, but he is actually a step-cousin. All four sides of Stevens family, his mother, father, step-mother and step-father, (whom to him are all his Moms and Dads and nothing less) all have amazing families and I am pleased to say I have relations with all of them. He knew. He knew he was leaving me with a support system to last a lifetime. I will forever be grateful for each and every person in his family and mine, whom love me and the boys beyond belief and who would do absolutely anything for us. Don't worry Castellano and Anderson families, Im not going anywhere :)