1 year ago today...

One year ago today was the last time I saw Steven. One year ago today, I stopped at his work so he could say bye to the boys as we left town to visit family. One year ago today, I was too stubborn to kiss him goodbye, which would have been my last chance. One year ago today, I hit the road, alone, on a road trip with the boys, stopped at a hotel, alone, stayed overnight, alone, never knowing it would be my first of many to come. Never knowing that in 5 days, he would be gone. I cant stop living in the "one year ago today" moments. I cant stop tracing my every move, ever minute of one year ago today. If only I would have turned around and decided against this trip, if only I would have done this, that or anything, he would still be here. Would he? Would he have been taken whether I was here or not? Was it just his time? I will never believe it was his time. He was no where near done living. We had so much living to do. I cannot wrap my head around one year ago today. How one decision can change the course of everyones lives. I wish I could ask him what he thinks of his boys. I wish I could ask him if Im making him proud. I wish I could ask him if he was ok with the decisions Ive made so far. I wish for more then just a genie in a bottle could grant, but if I had one wish, it would be to hear him walk through the door again and to see Bryces face. Tonight at dinner, Bryce stated that when he sleeps he has his daddy to play with and when hes awake, his daddy is gone like now. It broke my heart. I felt his pain. And when you know your child is in emotional pain, your pain is unbearable. I want to keep pain at a far for him for the rest of his life, yet I know this is not possible. For now, I will continue living "one year ago today" until I can escape it. The only way I know how to do that is to keep busy, play with the boys and live. LIVE.

Its been almost two months. A lot can happen in that time. And a lot has. Yet as I approach this next month, I feel the need to crawl into a hole and wait out the storm. Bryce turns 4 this Friday. It seems like yesterday I was convincing Steven to just take that work trip he was offered because it was such a great expierence for him and such a big deal that he was asked to go. He was worried about missing Bryces 3rd birthday and I insisted that he shouldnt worry about it, there would be plenty more. Unbeknowns to me, it would be the last Steven could have been to. Following that was Jakes 1st Birthday, which in the end was a wonderful day. 9 days later, Steven was gone. GONE. As in FOREVER. GONE. I feel like Im starting to relive last year. I feel as if I am walking in those footsteps again.

Victim Impact Statement

Where do I begin? How am I expected to get into one statement what was taken from me? How do I write down who Steven was in one statement? There is no describing a man who had more passion for life then anyone I've ever know. There are no words to express the emptiness that has been left in our home. I sit here, not knowing where to being. Not knowing how to describe to strangers the loss we feel. I am lost.

Heaven and Death

It is not normal for a 3 year old to have these words so readily in their vocabulary. It comes too easy to Bryce. Yesterday while driving in the car to preschool and looking at the newly snow covered mountains, Bryce asks, "Mom, when I go to heaven can I bring my ownie (his stuffed animal and member of the family), and my blanket?" I paused before I could respond, attempting to catch my breath, and said, "Yes, of course you can. But you wont be going to heaven for a very long time." He then asks, "Can Jake take his blanket too?" Again, after I catch my breath, I respond with, "Yes".
Today, Bryce wakes up and comes into my room. I love him up and after a few minutes he asks, "Is Uncle Drew in heaven?" I said, "No silly, hes in Bahrain on his ship. We can talk to him on the phone and he can call us." He said, "Oh, because I thought he was in heaven with Daddy." I said, "No, just Daddy and Kaden are in heaven." A statement I never in a million thought I'd be saying to him. I flashback to the moment we were in the hospital when Kaden was born. I never ever thought Id be telling Bryce that his Daddy and Kaden were in heaven. The statement makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry forever. It makes me want to punch someone. It makes me utterly sick. I often wonder what Steven would say about all of this. When Kaden passed, Steven didn't really ever deal with it. He went on about his way. I think if he had dealt with it, the pain would have been unbearable. He would have been a different man. Life is not fair. Never will be. All I can do it keep on going, for them, for my boys and for myself.

Where your mond wonders...

I cant help but wonder what you would think about the way things have turned out. I cant help but think about how you would feel about the people that have stayed in our lives and the ones that have drifted away. Those that never call because their struggle of you being gone is all to real if they contact me. (Try living it each and every day). I cant help but think about how sad you would be with somes lack of communication and how proud you must be with others. I know how you would feel, I know what you would say and I know how disipointed you would be.
The boys and I are hanging in there. Making the best out of what we have. We havent stopped living, although I have had countless moments where I feel like I could. We havent stopped moving because thats not what you would have wanted. You would have wanted us to keep going, move forward, live life, and be happy. Im getting there. Slowly, but I am. I know exactly what you would have wanted from us, I think it would just be easier to hear it from you directly, instead of second guessing myself.
You were ready. You had once told me that you didnt fear death, when at the time, it was my greatest fear. You said, "When its my time, its my time." You shrugged it off as if it were nothing. You wernt scared. I know you died with no regrets, no enemies and no fears. I am so honored to have been your wife, I hope you are as proud of me as I am of you. I continue to live to raise our boys that you so badly wanted to bring into this world. Remind me you are with me. Please. xoxo

Bitter Sweet

7 years ago today, you got down on one knee and asked me to be your wife. We were at CPK in Long Beach, so romantic. LOL. But it was our place. It was the place I took you and gave you a card with a lotto ticket. You once told me that if I were your girlfriend, it would be like winning the lotto. You were so in love with me. We thought we were in this forever. Although marriage is hard, we loved harder. I miss you today and everyday. xoxo

Song I cant escape