Heaven and Death

It is not normal for a 3 year old to have these words so readily in their vocabulary. It comes too easy to Bryce. Yesterday while driving in the car to preschool and looking at the newly snow covered mountains, Bryce asks, "Mom, when I go to heaven can I bring my ownie (his stuffed animal and member of the family), and my blanket?" I paused before I could respond, attempting to catch my breath, and said, "Yes, of course you can. But you wont be going to heaven for a very long time." He then asks, "Can Jake take his blanket too?" Again, after I catch my breath, I respond with, "Yes".
Today, Bryce wakes up and comes into my room. I love him up and after a few minutes he asks, "Is Uncle Drew in heaven?" I said, "No silly, hes in Bahrain on his ship. We can talk to him on the phone and he can call us." He said, "Oh, because I thought he was in heaven with Daddy." I said, "No, just Daddy and Kaden are in heaven." A statement I never in a million thought I'd be saying to him. I flashback to the moment we were in the hospital when Kaden was born. I never ever thought Id be telling Bryce that his Daddy and Kaden were in heaven. The statement makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry forever. It makes me want to punch someone. It makes me utterly sick. I often wonder what Steven would say about all of this. When Kaden passed, Steven didn't really ever deal with it. He went on about his way. I think if he had dealt with it, the pain would have been unbearable. He would have been a different man. Life is not fair. Never will be. All I can do it keep on going, for them, for my boys and for myself.