Heaven and Death

It is not normal for a 3 year old to have these words so readily in their vocabulary. It comes too easy to Bryce. Yesterday while driving in the car to preschool and looking at the newly snow covered mountains, Bryce asks, "Mom, when I go to heaven can I bring my ownie (his stuffed animal and member of the family), and my blanket?" I paused before I could respond, attempting to catch my breath, and said, "Yes, of course you can. But you wont be going to heaven for a very long time." He then asks, "Can Jake take his blanket too?" Again, after I catch my breath, I respond with, "Yes".
Today, Bryce wakes up and comes into my room. I love him up and after a few minutes he asks, "Is Uncle Drew in heaven?" I said, "No silly, hes in Bahrain on his ship. We can talk to him on the phone and he can call us." He said, "Oh, because I thought he was in heaven with Daddy." I said, "No, just Daddy and Kaden are in heaven." A statement I never in a million thought I'd be saying to him. I flashback to the moment we were in the hospital when Kaden was born. I never ever thought Id be telling Bryce that his Daddy and Kaden were in heaven. The statement makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry forever. It makes me want to punch someone. It makes me utterly sick. I often wonder what Steven would say about all of this. When Kaden passed, Steven didn't really ever deal with it. He went on about his way. I think if he had dealt with it, the pain would have been unbearable. He would have been a different man. Life is not fair. Never will be. All I can do it keep on going, for them, for my boys and for myself.

Where your mond wonders...

I cant help but wonder what you would think about the way things have turned out. I cant help but think about how you would feel about the people that have stayed in our lives and the ones that have drifted away. Those that never call because their struggle of you being gone is all to real if they contact me. (Try living it each and every day). I cant help but think about how sad you would be with somes lack of communication and how proud you must be with others. I know how you would feel, I know what you would say and I know how disipointed you would be.
The boys and I are hanging in there. Making the best out of what we have. We havent stopped living, although I have had countless moments where I feel like I could. We havent stopped moving because thats not what you would have wanted. You would have wanted us to keep going, move forward, live life, and be happy. Im getting there. Slowly, but I am. I know exactly what you would have wanted from us, I think it would just be easier to hear it from you directly, instead of second guessing myself.
You were ready. You had once told me that you didnt fear death, when at the time, it was my greatest fear. You said, "When its my time, its my time." You shrugged it off as if it were nothing. You wernt scared. I know you died with no regrets, no enemies and no fears. I am so honored to have been your wife, I hope you are as proud of me as I am of you. I continue to live to raise our boys that you so badly wanted to bring into this world. Remind me you are with me. Please. xoxo

Bitter Sweet

7 years ago today, you got down on one knee and asked me to be your wife. We were at CPK in Long Beach, so romantic. LOL. But it was our place. It was the place I took you and gave you a card with a lotto ticket. You once told me that if I were your girlfriend, it would be like winning the lotto. You were so in love with me. We thought we were in this forever. Although marriage is hard, we loved harder. I miss you today and everyday. xoxo

Song I cant escape