Worst night ever...woke up healed

Dropped the boys off at my moms last night. Expecting to go see a movie and have some drinks with a friend when I literally lost it. Second my car door shut and the kids were gone, broke and I broke hard. The tears feel my enitre drive home. Got home, started cleaning, all the while, talking, drinking some wine, and hysterically crying. Id say I looked like a freak, but at the the same time, I was mad, angry, pissed, hurt, sad, dying inside. Hes not coming home. That reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Its coming up to his 6 month aniversary and I could curl up and die. I just want to die.

Where I am

I cant believe I am sitting where I am sitting, without Steven here with me. I seems like he should be across the street at the Ronald McDonald House, getting a great nights rest just to come relieve me in the morning. But hes not. I knew this day would come again, just not so soon. I am here, at Rady Childrens hospital once again with Jake, yet without Steven. I could curl up and die the pain hurts so much. Everyone offered to come and be a helping hand, but I dont want anyone here because the only one I want here is Steven. I feel like having anyone here other then Steven will just make me more upset. So its me. Im taking it all on. All the IV pokes, the screams in pain, the irritability, the Dr questions and Dr comments. There is not another set of ears here to hear the information, just me. There is no one else to spout out questions like he always would and questions Drs never had the answers for because they hadnt thought of that yet. This was our son, OUR son, yet now he is my son, just MINE. Makes me sick. Makes me sad for Jake. I miss Steven now more then ever. Gawd I just want my husband back here. No one else can fill his place.
I wish I were home now. Home with my two boys. Cuddled up in bed. I miss Bryce. I want to go home. Yet Jake has more complications then expected, so for now, we are here. Jake and Me. Here. Please Steven be here in spirit. Remind me you are here because I need you so bad.