1000 things to say

I have over 1000 things going through my mind. Feelings, emotions, ups (not many) and down (so many more). I cant seem to get them organized enough to put into writing. I feel like this is going to end up coming out like throw up all over paper. A big nasty mess, not of food, but of emotions. I think Ive avoided thinking about the coming of thi day so much that it has literally hit me like a tidle wave. One minute Im sobbing and the next I feel like a zombie staring off into space. Space that I cant figure out. Depths of life that I cannot concieve. The "whys" jut seem to encircle my brain without an ending or an answer. It is emotionally draining. I cant stop thinking that a year ago right now, Steven had no idea he was near his last breath. With the anticipation of his family just a few hours away, he had no idea that he would not ever mak it home to see us. He had no idea he would be fighting for his life. These thoughts play over and over in my mind like a broken record. I can only pray that the next few days are not the same. Luckily, I dont seem to have much memory of the days, weeks, and some months following Stevens death, so Im hoping I can continute making this new normal for us without reliving last years horrible summer. Tonight, we will go to the corner where the accident occurred and light some candles, hang a cross and pay tribute to the man I once, and still call my husband. Something we didnt do before. Something that was too hard at the time, and is still hard today. Each one of these steps, I pray for closure, closure in a book that will never end. I love you Steven. I miss you more then my heart can describe, but I also know you are in an amazing place, smiling down and will be the first to greet me when its my time to take my last breath.