Breakdown

I feel as if I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. Between losing Stephanie and letting that loss actually set in, to unloading Christmas things that I avoided last year, to Stevens trial fast approaching, I am about to lose it. I am overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. I feel like I just need to lose it and get it all out, but I feel like the amount of emotion that will spill out will be too much for me to come back from. I know Ive been told and Ive even said that your body will let out as much as it can handle, but I truly feel this is too much for one body to grieve.

I cannot believe Stephanie is gone. I cannot believe Steven is gone. I cannot believe it has almost been 3 years since Kaden has been gone. Why do people so close have to go? I don't understand. I want a miracle. I cant handle tragedy anymore.

Truly emotionally exhausted.

What you may not know...

What you may not know is that I suffer each and every day. What you may not know is that I cry, have anger and am pissed at the world sometimes. What you may not know is that I am moving forward but feeling like Im stuck sometimes. What you may not know is Steven is on my mind all the time, with everything I do.

You dont know this because it is not your burden to bare. I am my own worst critic. I am hardest on myself. I dont need you to be hard on me too. Just because I dont post on his Facebook page, just because I dont mention him in my facebook posts, just because I dont call you crying, doesnt mean I do not grieve. I grieve. I grieve hard.

I have been blessed to have a new man in my life. This new man does not replace the man Steven was for us. They are two different people. They are two different men in our lives. They always will be. I have found someone willing to walk this journey with me. Willing to raise the boys with me and to never give up on me. He loves me for me and he loves these boys. He loves this family that Steven and I started and he has joined it. He has stepped in without any hesitation, intimidation or fear. He is amazing. I am lucky and blessed.

So, what you think, say or believe about me and my life, put yourself in my shoes. Dont think I am moving on and forgetting. I have two little boys that remind me of him each day. Everywhere I look and everything I do reminds me of him. Doesn't it remind you of him? He was in my life 24/7. Not yours. Imagine how I live and quit talking shit. Maybe if you called and knew me better, you would understand. Until then, you have no room to judge.

Enough said.

Lurking Grief

One of the worst parts about this "grief process" is the lurking grief. It lurks in the daily tasks we attempt while at the same time pushing all emotion out of the task. Today I had to take my car into Gosch Ford to get some minor things repaired. Steven worked there for about 2 years. During those two years, I was pregnant and we had Bryce. It was a very significant time in our lives. I would bring Steven lunch and we knew most everyone that worked there due to Stevens loud mouth and full of life personality. I went there today, coasting under the radar, attempting to get in and get out. What I thought would be a quick fix, ended up taking much longer. I was there over an hour and ended up getting a rental. Once I got my rental, I needed to go back to my car and get out the carseats. When I found my car, it was pulled into a bay that happened to be Stevens old bay. Go freakin figure. I could hardly breath. As I held back tears, I threw both car seats into the rental and drove out of there like a bat outta hell. These things just sneak up. Its so irritating. One moment you think you have your emotions in check and the next moment you are fighting off anxiety, tapping fingers and tears in your eyes. Damn this grief process! Damn you!

That day

This past weekend I attended Camp Widow for a second year in a row. Last year, I was 2 months out from Stevens passing and was in a complete fog. How I found the camp is beyond me. I am a resourceful person or what I can admit to be as a bit of a "google whore". I don't like to sit and wait around for answers, for something to happen. I want to know when and how and where and who it will happen. So, last year I went. I don't think I took much from the classes, but what I did take was an entire new group of friends. A group of women, and some men, who were widows. A group who just get it. 

This year, I got much more from the classes then I had in the past. I was open to help and ideas. I wasn't just looking for people to relate to anymore. I was looking for insight. As I could sit here and share each and everything I learned, which I will eventually, I feel the need to do something I have never done. It was something that I was told I should do in each session of camp that I attended. Share my story. Share that night. SHARE. Not for anyone else, but for me. Get this day that I have relived over and over in my head each and every day since Steven has been gone, on paper. So, his a heavy heart, this is what I will do. Just another stage in this grieving process.

THAT DAY

The boys and I had left for Williams, CA on Wednesday night of that week. Bryce's godparents Marcie and Eddie live there. It is a 7 hour trip. Why I went, this is something that is hard to go into. That weekend of Stevens accident, was the first that we didn't have plans in a long time. The timing worked. So the boys and I went. I was NEVER spontaneous, never did things without planning. I am a planner by nature. So for me to just pack up the boys and go it alone was very unlike me. But I was looking forward to a road trip with the boys and a break.  On our way out of town, we stopped at Stevens work so we could say goodbye. He kissed the boys, we said bye, too stubborn to kiss goodbye, and left. That night I drove about 5 hours and stopped at a hotel, alone, SO unlike me, and we hit the road the next morning. Thoughout our 4 days with family, I didn't speak to Steven often. He called and talked to the boys a bit and that was the extent of it. We were married. We argued. Normal. I was frustrated, he was frustrated. With Steven we fought hard, but we loved even harder. Looking back, I could slap myself for the meaninglessness our argument held. But, none the less, it was what it was. 

On the day I left to come home, I had stopped at an indoor play place in Sacramento for the boys to release some energy before the ride home. I had decided to drive it straight through because I would have my "cousin" Nathan with me. He was 16 at the time and could keep me awake. It was the start of his summer vacation and the summer before his senior year. In need of a little guidance, he was going to come stay a week with us and get in some good "guy time" with Steven. While at the indoor play place, Steven called. He wanted to talk and he wanted to talk NOW. It was loud and noisy in the play place so I slipped outside. I didn't understand why he wanted to talk NOW. We were always good at figuring out issues face to face. But he was adamant. Ok, so we talked. And it was probably the best conversation we had had in a long time. He listened, I listened, and we were ok. At the end of the conversation, we both said, "I love you" and we were really looking forward to all being together again and getting back in track. The boys, Nathan and I hit the road. I had text with Steven a few times throughout the day to update him on where we were and how the drive was going. I have never gone back and looked at those messages. They are on my cell phone that I shut off and never turned back on again. I have it just in case I want to go back there, but for now, Im ok not. 

The called Steven right before driving through the Grapevine. I called to let him know where we were. It was raining hard and I had wanted him to know we were about to go through the hills. He told me he was at my parents for Family Dinner which we have done every Sunday night for the past 5 years. I laughed considering Stevens family wasn't there and that he didn't care. My parents gave Steven his choice of dinner and of course he wanted pizza. Steven was surprised how close we were to being home and he told me he was going to head home to finish up some laundry and pick up a little and he would see us there. I said ok and I also was the first to say, "I love you" which I hadn't said in a few days first. 

That was the last time I spoke to Steven.

I don't know how long it was once I had been out of the Grapevine, but I can drive by the point on the freeway and tell you right where I was. I got a call from Sandy, Stevens step mom. She told me I needed to pull over. I panicked. In my head, Im thinking ok, something happened to Grandma Susie? (Stevens great grandmother). I think I may have even asked if it was her. She just told me to pull over. I  did and got out of the car and that when she told me it was Steven. I curled up at the back of my car, on the side of the freeway and was sick. I didn't know if I wanted to vomit or scream but I couldn't think. My body went into survival mode. From this moment on, I was never and will never be the same person I once was. Sandy had told me Steven had been hit on his motorcycle and I needed to get to Inland Valley Medical Center ASAP. By this point Nathan was at the back of the car with me as well. Poor kid was at a loss for words. As soon as we were back in the car, I was calling anyone I could. I needed answers and I needed them NOW. I wanted to know where Steven was, who was with him, what happened. I was driving and having Nathan call. We were also getting calls. Nathans mom Macie was calling and checking on us, my Aunts were planning on meeting us on the freeway so one could drive my car and the boys and the other could get me to the hospital. I remember stopping, I don't know how my Aunts found me but the next thing I knew I was in here car, on my knees on the floorboard of the passenger seat praying that God would not take Steven from me. I offered God everything I has not to take my children's father and my husband. I would give up anything. I was on the phone constantly with someone at the hospital. My mom, dad, Robert, Sandy, Jessica, Jeremy anyone. Each time no one knew how he was, the doctors were still working on him.

The moment I knew Steven was gone was when people stopped answering their phones. I remember yelling at my aunt, "Why have they stopped answering?! Is he gone?!!!" She didn't know. Of course. When we pulled up to the front of the ER I don't think my aunt even had time to stop the car. From here on I feel like this was all an out of body experience. I jumped out of the car, leaving my sandals in the grass and ran into Roberts arms. It was 11pm. Steven was gone. He held me as I screamed and yelled and fought it with all my might. This was not happening. He was not gone. But he was. And al RObert could say was, "Im sorry."

---Mental break needed---

Infamous Status Update

I did it. I did it for me. Not for anyone else. I update my Facebook status. Dun... dun.. dun! What does this mean? It probably means more for me then most. What does it not mean? Again, probably more then more. For me, it means I have found someone amazing. I have found someone willing to come into this family with his whole heart and fantastic intentions. It means that he has accepted my ups and downs. It means more then he will ever know. What does it not mean? It does not mean I am done grieving. It does not mean that I am forgetting what I had with Steven and moving on with my life. I am not moving on. I am moving forward. He will forever be a part of this family and Travis has accepted him from day one. It is a complicated mess, one I never wish upon anyone. But it is also a reminder that there is hope. There is still love and passion in this world and there is still so much living to be had. I am grateful for this man willing to walk this journey with me and support me through it all and none the less, love me.

1000 things to say

I have over 1000 things going through my mind. Feelings, emotions, ups (not many) and down (so many more). I cant seem to get them organized enough to put into writing. I feel like this is going to end up coming out like throw up all over paper. A big nasty mess, not of food, but of emotions. I think Ive avoided thinking about the coming of thi day so much that it has literally hit me like a tidle wave. One minute Im sobbing and the next I feel like a zombie staring off into space. Space that I cant figure out. Depths of life that I cannot concieve. The "whys" jut seem to encircle my brain without an ending or an answer. It is emotionally draining. I cant stop thinking that a year ago right now, Steven had no idea he was near his last breath. With the anticipation of his family just a few hours away, he had no idea that he would not ever mak it home to see us. He had no idea he would be fighting for his life. These thoughts play over and over in my mind like a broken record. I can only pray that the next few days are not the same. Luckily, I dont seem to have much memory of the days, weeks, and some months following Stevens death, so Im hoping I can continute making this new normal for us without reliving last years horrible summer. Tonight, we will go to the corner where the accident occurred and light some candles, hang a cross and pay tribute to the man I once, and still call my husband. Something we didnt do before. Something that was too hard at the time, and is still hard today. Each one of these steps, I pray for closure, closure in a book that will never end. I love you Steven. I miss you more then my heart can describe, but I also know you are in an amazing place, smiling down and will be the first to greet me when its my time to take my last breath.

1 year ago today...

One year ago today was the last time I saw Steven. One year ago today, I stopped at his work so he could say bye to the boys as we left town to visit family. One year ago today, I was too stubborn to kiss him goodbye, which would have been my last chance. One year ago today, I hit the road, alone, on a road trip with the boys, stopped at a hotel, alone, stayed overnight, alone, never knowing it would be my first of many to come. Never knowing that in 5 days, he would be gone. I cant stop living in the "one year ago today" moments. I cant stop tracing my every move, ever minute of one year ago today. If only I would have turned around and decided against this trip, if only I would have done this, that or anything, he would still be here. Would he? Would he have been taken whether I was here or not? Was it just his time? I will never believe it was his time. He was no where near done living. We had so much living to do. I cannot wrap my head around one year ago today. How one decision can change the course of everyones lives. I wish I could ask him what he thinks of his boys. I wish I could ask him if Im making him proud. I wish I could ask him if he was ok with the decisions Ive made so far. I wish for more then just a genie in a bottle could grant, but if I had one wish, it would be to hear him walk through the door again and to see Bryces face. Tonight at dinner, Bryce stated that when he sleeps he has his daddy to play with and when hes awake, his daddy is gone like now. It broke my heart. I felt his pain. And when you know your child is in emotional pain, your pain is unbearable. I want to keep pain at a far for him for the rest of his life, yet I know this is not possible. For now, I will continue living "one year ago today" until I can escape it. The only way I know how to do that is to keep busy, play with the boys and live. LIVE.