If wishes were changes there'd be no goodbyes

How do I take away my sons pain? We had a good cry today. Is their such thing as a good cry? That seems like an oxymoron. Good cry. Really? Ugh. He just missed Daddy. He was throwing tantrums, talking back, hitting, and thats when he came and just sat in my lap and cried. I cried too. I told him it was okay to cry. It was okay to miss Daddy. I said I was sorry that Daddy was not coming home. I was sorry that Daddy was gone. I am so sorry. No 3 year old should understand Heaven. Thats when Jake joined us, he is 1, and sat in my lap as well. He then pointed to Bryces nose and then pointed to my nose and Bryce and I just giggled. I am sometimes grateful that Jake is so young and wont remember this or experience the pain we feel. But then again, because of that, he never got to know his Daddy. And that kills me. THere is nothing good to come out of this. I sometimes wonder if 20 years down the road I will look back and see all of the amazing things we have done. But I cant imagine what is in store. All I know is it MUST go up from here. It cant go down, it cant get worse. We deserve more. Our entire family, extended family, friends, deserve more. God had better have something amazing in store for us all, because I have some words for him when I get my chance to join Steven. Until then, I will keep on keeping on. Yes its hard, yes it hurts and yes it sucks more then anything. But what else am I supposed to do? Steven would be pissed if I laid in a ball and cried every day. For some reason, I am still breathing. As long as I am breathing, I am breathing for my boys and for Steven.

Where is Daddy?

This is a question I get everyday from our 3 year old. Where are you? Why cant we see you? Ive always told him, "Daddy went to heaven to be with Jesus." Amazingly hes never asked to call you. Which still to this day shocks me. About 2 months after you passed, its only been 2 1/2 months, Bryce began asking me how you went to Heaven. I started telling him a little of the truth. I said that "Daddy was on his motorcycle and crashed and got big owies. Big enough that the doctors couldnt fix them and then Jesus came down with the angels and took Daddy up to Heaven." He was over this story quick because then he started asking, "Where is my Daddy? My Dad Steven?" He knew this story was too much for his little brain to work on and handle, so he wanted something simple like, "Dads at work." How I wish more then anything in the world that I could just give Bryce that answer. How I wish more then anything in the deepest parts of my soul that this were true. I wish wish wish Daddy were just at work!!! Again, I told him you were in Heaven and then I added that Daddy couldnt come home but he loves you very much. After about 5-10 minutes (which seems like forever) of asking, he moves on to something else and is over the topic. For a while he liked looking at your picture. I know it brought him comfort. Now he doesnt want to. I think the thought of you not coming home is settling in. As settling as it can be. He has begun to get mad. Hitting walls and throwing things. I try to stay calm because I know this all stems back to you not being here. I know hes angry about that and its starting to show. I just want to give him the world. I want to give him everything his little heart desires. I think he's already feeling enough pain, why not give him all of the happiness in the world? Its such a catch 22. Grrr! All I can do is provide him with the most stability I can. He asks for the Bronco, trailer and yellow quad often. He wants to go get them and bring them home. I got a new car last week and he asks for the old one. When I cut the lawn the other day, he cried at the back sliding door for you, knowing what I was doing was Daddy s job. Broke my heart. What hurt me the most was in the car driving home from Carlsbad yesterday. He said he didn't want to go home with Mommy and Jake, he wanted ti go to Heaven because he had big owies and see Dad. he said this over and over after I continued to tell him that it wasn't an option. He was here to stay for a very long time. I cling to these boys now more then ever. Thank you Steven for leaving me a piece of you. I pray they grow to be strong, healthy, amazing and happy individuals. That they strive for and reach every goal and they grow up as handsome and smart as you were in your 27 years here on earth.

What I've learned so far...

-There is no one right way to grieve

-Your body and/or God will only give you as much pain and anguish as you can handle

-The sun will always rise to a new day

-Take your pain as it comes. Cry when you need to. Let it out.

-Everyone is in pain, its how you choose to deal with it that sets your course in life,

-Ask for help (My biggest problem!)

Worst things people say

-He is in a better place. (Im sorry, I think this is the BEST place)

-You will see him again

-Hes watching over you

-Hes with you (Really? I sure dont feel him)

-Everything happens for a reason

-Youre still young and will find love again (Um...really?!)

What used to be...

I used to have it together, most of the time. Paperwork organized, weekends planned, heck I had the next two months planned out. I cant even seem to get the next day planned anymore. I cant seem to get anything together. I have paperwork that has piled up all over the place. Things I need to take care of but cant get the courage or energy to do so. I looked at my bank account today, trying to get that organized and had huge anxiety. Near panic attack. I hate this shit! Today I am just one pist off mama.
I don't know where to begin. Stevens great grandmother passed away. They were closer then most. She thought the world of him and he adored her. My boys adored her. Bryce didn't walk into the house without asking for a tortilla and she would jump at the chance to make him any homemade anything. She was amazing. Its hard to believe shes gone. I haven't cried over her passing. I'm almost jealous. I wish I was her. I wish I was going to spend eternity with Steven. I know I have my boys to raise, but sadly, I don't care. I mean I do because I am their mother, but I would give anything to be with him, in his arms, knowing that we will be together forever. I cant imagine ever loving another man. As each day goes on, I tend to get further and further away from the idea of finding someone new, because all I want is him. I don't think I could ever love another like I loved him. Maybe I will grow into an old, lonely widow and die. I wouldn't mind right about now.
I dreamt of Steven last week. I was lying on the couch and I was lying on him, snuggled up. I looked up at his face and was shocked to see him there. I said, "Why are you here?! You should be in heaven." He just said "Shh, enjoy this before I have to leave." and he pressed my head back down to his chest. I can remember every little thing about him, his body, his touch, his feel, and what I would give to have that again. I don't feel like hes gone, I feel like hes going to come home tonight and I will have all of that again. But then to come to the realization that he is in a jar on my dresser and in a urn in the gun safe is surreal. I could die. Just die.

Him

I want him. I want Steven back. I cant help but think that anyone around the house would make it better. Now, I just know that only he can make it better. No one will compare to him. He was a one of a kind. He was amzing. I miss him so much I could die. I want him home. I want him working in the garage. I want him kissing our kids goodnight. I want him in our bed. I hate sleeping alone. I hate it. I hate that I am attending a widows retreat!!! Why is this my life?! This is ridiculous. Everyone I know has a cute little family at home. Husbands that come home at night. Why in the hell is this the life we were dealt?! I cant help but think about what we would be doing right now if he were here. What plans we would be making. I hate this! I dont want to be at home. But I dont want to be anywhere else. I want to move out and get our boys a new home, but I dont want to leave our home. I have so much crap and decisions to make, yet I dont want to make any without him. I just want life to speed up and get better, if that is ever possible.

Hard day

Today has been one of the hardest days Ive had in a while. And its only 10am. I miss him horribly today. It hurts so bad. I just miss him! MISS MISS MISS. That seems to be the key word today. In 2 months since being gone, he has missed Jakes first steps, Bryces first day of preschool and Bryces first time reading. I cant believe it. I hate not having my other half to call and share these exciting things with. Someone who would be just as proud as me about the new things our boys are doing. Funny stories and silly antics. Its just me. I laugh and smile and then Im sad because he cant be here to share it with. There are so many milestones ahead that he will miss and it hurts so bad to know that. Sometimes I pray that Steven sends us someone that will love the boys and share in my pride of them. I know so many step parents that love their step children as their own. I pray my boys are lucky enough to have that. I wish more then anything it was their own dad. Wish I could just sleep through today. Praying for strength.

I am....

...a widow. But I do not want this word to define me for my entire life! I am blessed to be on these blogs. I know they are a place for widows and widowers to vent out their frustration on life. But how am I expected to be encouraged when some people write about how much harder life is 2 years later? Some even 15 years later? Is this that I have to look forward to? It gives me no hope that I will ever get the chance to have a life, and love again. People are making their deceased spouse cakes years down the road, they are celebrating anniversaries. I know that people do everything differently. This just seems extream. I am obviously different. I will never ever forget the most amazing man I ever married. His life will be forever carried on in his children. I will cry and mourn over his death for the rest of my life. But I know I have faith that I will see him again and he is waiting for me in eternity.